Larry King Monday (Relax – it’s just parody)

Is there a nicer person in show business than Susan Lucci? I tell you she’s a honey and I predict great things from this young lady…..Tony Randall would like to take my job at CNN but I got news for Felix – he’ll have to wait to pry the microphone from my cold dead fingers….Sports Illustrated should go to a Magic Eye type cover where you have to squint and unfocus your eyes in order to see the picture on the cover…..I’ve never actually watched the Sopranos but I have placed bets with the Russian mafia….Was it just me or did everyone get Marge Schott and Madeline Albright confused….The night before their 18th birthday I plan to book the Olsen Twins on my show. Later we’ll go out to dinner and I’ll just hope for the best around midnight. I’ll take a double dose of Viagra just in case…..In my hometown there’s this cemetery ….Danny DeVito is this generation’s Orson Wells…I’ve been stealing women’s lacy underwear from Bloomingdale’s for years….Shouldn’t Spring Training be called Baseball Training instead? …..Its been my experience that Canadians who say they hate Republicans are also the same people who say they hate the taste of penis….Volkswagen’s will always be Hitlermobiles to me….Somebody told me that Bryant Gumble doesn’t like cheese – what’s wrong with cheese? Everyone likes cheese – come on Bryant get with the program…..I’ve yet to find the penis enlargement medicine or equipment that really lives up to its billing….OK – I admit that I can’t keep Fred McGriff and Mr. French from a Family Affair straight in my head….The recurring dream I really hate is the one where I get gang raped by Tex Cobb and Jeff Ruland…Even with all my success – I’m still just Larry from the Hood….I enjoy eating Mrs. Fields pie – Mrs. Sally Fields…..The team that picks up Kordell Stewart as their starting quarterback can book their tickets to next year’s Super Bowl right now…Am I crazy or is it about time that Bette Midler did a nude scene?….Jack Daniels is not just for breakfast anymore….The other night I was checking the program guide on my TV and I saw a show called Angry Beavers on Nickelodeon – it wasn’t the type of show that I hoped it would be…..Sometimes you see a sports star with the nickname “the juice” but how come you never see anyone with the nickname “the banana”?…..Nothing symbolizes the spread of anti-Semitism more than Christmas Tree Shops….Trust me on this one – use Nair to remove the hair on your testicles and your penis will look bigger in the pictures – trust me – you’ll thank me later……Can anyone recall a New York Knicks team sucking this bad?….DNA tests scare me because I’m afraid to find out that I’m part reptile….Danny Thomas really knew his way around a glass table – or should I say under a glass table if you scat masters know what I’m saying….At one time I considered converting to Christianity but those crazy Davy and Goliath cartoons scared me away. A talking dog? Do you think David Berkowitz watched these things?…. Until I was 23 years-old – I thought I had ovaries…..”Lost another loan to Ditech” – that always cracks me up….This just in – cock fighting actually involves two roosters. Who knew?….Walk like an Egyptian – now I’ll be humming that song all day.

Please send any thoughts or comments to of4dad@hotmail.com