Monday, January 04, 2016

Dear Mister Kraft

Dear Mister Kraft,

It has now been three years in a row that I have come to Miami to watch the Patriots play the Dolphins. And for the past three years in a row the New England Patriots have been the better team yet have lost each time. How can this be explained? I know that there have been many factors that have gone into each loss but it has to be faced that I am a consistent factor. That cannot be denied.

As a big Patriots fan I do not want the team to lose again next season when both I and the team venture down to South Florida. That's why, as a big fan of the team, I am making you this offer - pay me $10,000 and I will stay away from the game next year. I will use the money you pay me to go somewhere else. Maybe the Florida Keys or maybe Grand Cayman Island instead.

This will be a sacrifice on my part because other than having my Sunday ruined by a Patriots loss - I really enjoy my trips down here. The weather's great and the Dolphin fans are almost quaint with the way that they and the team seem fixated on 1972. I also have to say that I think the Miami team is cursed by their choice of an awful team theme song.

So Mister Kraft - what do you say? $10,000 is a small price to pay to eliminate one of the potential issues that might be keeping your team from winning an important AFC East divisional game. It really is a small price to pay for a $1 billion organization - don't you think?

I await your reply,


Chris Lynch


  1. I'm pretty sure he could have you in a shallow grave for a lot less. I'm just saying

  2. Many have tried.

    Many have failed

    1. I'd call that pretty bold talk from a one-eyed fat man.