Law and Order

When men where men:

[Elfego] Baca officially became the sheriff of Socorro County and secured indictments for the arrest of the area's lawbreakers. Instead of ordering his deputies to pursue the wanted men, he sent each of the accused a letter. It said, “I have a warrant here for your arrest. Please come in by March 15 and give yourself up. If you don’t, I’ll know you intend to resist arrest, and I will feel justified in shooting you on sight when I come after you.” Most of the offenders turned themselves in voluntarily.

Fixing the BCS Mess

The new BCS rankings are out. Oklahoma passes over Texas in the rankings even though the Longhorns beat the Sooners straight up. It's a mess.

I still say that using the ghost of Marty Feldman would be a better method than what we currently have.

George Steinbrenner

Joe Posnanski writes what perhaps is the definitive article on George Steinbrenner.

That Posnanski has done this on his blog in basically what is his free time tells you not just of the tremendous talent of a writer Posnanski is but also of his sports passion and knowledge.

Well worth your time to read this article.

Adam's Touching Himself

Everyone has trouble talking about sex with their kids. I don't care how cool or hip or how with it you think you are - you are still going to have trouble talking to your kids about sex.

Even God had trouble talking about sex. Seriously. If you read between the lines in the story of the Garden of Eden - you see how uncomfortable God was in talking about sex.

Start from the beginning. God made Adam in his image but with one major difference - God was smart whereas Adam didn't know any better because he did not eat from the tree of knowledge - yet. Think about that for a minute. You have a dumb male - a naked male at that - in perfect health just bopping around the Garden of Eden with really nothing to do. Every guy knows what that means.

Adam must have spent all of his time playing with himself.

There must of been a first time when Adam discovered the hard-on. It was probably morning - a BEMHO (basic early morning hard-on) - not to be confused with a HOFNAR (hard-on for no apparent reason). Can't you picture it? Adam, "Hey what's this?" And of course the first thing he does is to touch it. "Hey it feels pretty good to rub this thing. Hey - this - is - great! Now I know how I'm going to spend my day."

As an aside - God gave Adam the job of naming all the plants and animals. So you know Adam must have also named his newly found best friend. That's why men give their penis a name to this very day. It's a throwback to the Garden of Eden. (I call mine Mr. Happy.)

Now God used to roam the Garden of Eden in those days and you know he must have walked into Adam when Adam was jerking it. God, "Whoa - Adam? What are you doing?" Adam, "Just rubbing myself God. Hey watch what happens when I go really fast." God, "Adam that's fine. That's something you do in private." Adam, "Private? What's that? I'm the only one here. I'm in private everywhere I go." God, "I really have to do something about this guy."

So that night God took one of Adam's ribs and created woe-man and the Bible tells us that is was so that Adam would not be "lonely" but really it was because God was probably tired of seeing Adam playing with himself all the time.

To be continued...

Something to Be Thankful For

The view out my window may not be as breathtaking as the view out of theirs.

But I'm pretty sure my Thanksgiving dinner will look much more appetizing than this.

Brenda Fraser?

The Big Lead had this post.

With this picture.

I was mesmerized. It was the girl's face. It looked like someone photoshopped the face on the body and the face looked familiar. I couldn't look away. Then it hit me. She looks like Brendan Fraser.

Has anyone ever seen those two people in the same room? Just asking.

Happy Thanksgiving

Some links from the past that may be worth your while.

My favorite Thanksgiving dinner story.

The real Thanksgiving.

King Phillip's War.

Holy Crap!

Boy does Randy "Macho Man" Savage look old.

Oh yeah!

HT Mondesi's House

Heh Heh

Iowa football clearly makes people do questionable things.

Like this (the last lines make the story special).

MINNEAPOLIS -- Two Iowa football fans were caught having sex in a bathroom stall at the Metrodome during Saturday’s Minnesota-Iowa game.

According to a police report, a Metrodome security officer saw two people having sex in a handicapped stall after noticing two sets of feet with underwear dropped to the ground.

A group of 15 onlookers were gawking at the scene by the time officers broke the couple up and wrote them misdemeanor citations.

The woman, 38, was turned over to her husband. The man, 26, was turned over to his girlfriend.

HT Sports Frog

Jason Varitek

The other day it was reported that the Red Sox made Jason Varitek a one-year offer that was significantly less than the $13 million that Jorge Posada is getting paid per year. Scott Boras then came out and said that no offer had been made. Who to believe?

Let's start from the premise that Scott Boras is never to be believed and work from there. Here's what I wrote after Manny Ramirez work-stopped his way out of town:

Now the only Boras clients on the team are Jason Varitek, Jacoby Ellsbury and JD Drew. It will be interesting to see how the team handles the Varitek negotiations with Boras. I almost expect them to make a take it or leave it one-year offer (with Varitek taking it).

I think the Red Sox did make a one-year offer to Jason Varitek. I think that's the only offer they are going to make. I think they leaked this to Rob Bradford of WEEI so that other teams would know that they are not in a bidding war with the Red Sox for Jason Varitek's services. The Red Sox normally don't leak anything. They leaked it to stick it to Scott Boras.

I also think that Jason Varitek ends up taking the one-year deal (maybe the Red Sox add a team option year) because Jason Varitek likes it in Boston and really doesn't want to play anywhere else.

I was wrong about what I wrote earlier though. Alex Cora is also a Scott Boras client. It makes you wonder if the Red Sox are willing to make Julio Lugo a $9 million utility man and let Alex Cora walk just because he's a Scott Boras client.

The Yankees are pissed at Boras and if the Red Sox decide to screw Boras - then it makes you wonder how many clients Boras will be able to sign once it's known he's on the outs with the two biggest spenders in baseball.

Could this be the beginning of the end for Scott Boras?

Mike Mussina - Hall of Famer?

My immediate reaction is "No - Mike Mussina is not a Hall of Famer". King Kaufman has a very good article on Mike Mussina and the Hall of Fame which I'd like to use as my jumping off point to show why Mike Mussina is not a Hall of Famer. Two things to point out about the Kaufman piece - first he correctly writes that the Hall of Fame is "meant to honor the great, not the very good." Secondly he mentions by name ten pitchers (other than Mike Mussina) in his column. I'd like to take the comparison against these ten people Kaufman deemed worthy to mention by name to make my point:

Don Sutton - Hall of Famer with 324 wins, a .559 winning percentage and an ERA+ of 108. Like Mussina - Sutton never won a Cy Young Award and was never the dominant pitcher of his league. Like Mussina - Sutton also never won a World Series but acquitted himself so-so in the post season (Sutton was 6-4 with a 3.68 ERA in 14 post season starts while Mussina was 7-8 with a 3.42 ERA in 21 post season starts). Unlike Mussina - Sutton did hang around long enough to win 300 games. Sutton wins the Hall of Fame attendance award. He wasn't great but he was there. Mussina's not there. He's walking away from the game. He's healthy and he's made his money. Now's he's done. He won't be like a Koufax or Pedro Martinez (two players Kaufman did not mention by name) who didn't/won't make it to 300 wins because their arms gave way. Mussina wasn't close to being in Pedro's or Sandy's class. And by not sticking around - he's not even in Sutton's class either. Winning 300 is not a magic ticket but the reason you leave the game should be a determining factor in Hall of Fame voting.

Gaylord Perry - Hall of Famer with 314 wins and ERA+ of 117 and 2 Cy Young Awards. Perry won 20 games or more on 5 occasions and led his league in wins 3 separate seasons. Mussina had one 20-win season and as will be repeatedly pointed out - never won a Cy Young Award.

Early Wynn - Hall of Famer and the poster boy for hanging around to get 300 wins. Wynn also won a Cy Young Award. It should be noted that Wynn left baseball in 1963 but was not voted into the Hall of Fame until 1972. Wynn had 300 wins and a Cy Young and yet he was made to wait to gain entry into the Hall. Some people are acting like Mike Mussina should not just be a Hall of Famer but a first ballot Hall of Famer. Has the disease of entitlement extended so far that now the very good players like Mussina feel entitled to join the greats of the game? I say no to Mike Mussina in the Hall of Fame. And I say no again.

Tom Glavine - Kaufman says that Glavine is "a pitcher very much in Mussina's class" but that's pure BS. Glavine won 2 Cy Young Awards and was top 3 in voting for the award 6 times. In 5 spearate seasons Glavine led his league in wins and in 1995 he won the World Series MVP award. Mussina isn't close to being in Glavine's class.

Bert Blyleven - This guy has been made to wait to get into the Hall of Fame since he became eligible in 1997. On top of everything else - Blyleven is 5th on the all-time strikeout list and he acquitted himself very well in the playoffs. Blyleven has two World Series rings to Mussina's ZERO. Blyleven was 5-1 in 5 post season series with a 2.47 ERA. That's a run lower than Mussina's post season ERA. And have I mentioned that Blyleven hasn't been voted into the Hall of Fame? Yet Mike Mussina is supposed to waltz in? By all that's holy - don't let it be so.

Tom Seaver - He's one of the all-time greats. Mussina shouldn't even be mentioned in the same breath. Shame on you King Kaufman for bringing up Tom Seaver.

Eddie Plank - Hall of Famer with 326 wins. Mentioning Plank is a complete misdirection by Kaufman. Plank was the first lefty in history with 300 wins but according to Kaufman's logic - if Mussina's aunt was his uncle then Mussina could have had as many wins as Plank.

Cy Young and Walter Johnson - you're kidding right?

Jamie Moyer - finally Kaufman names a player you could feel comfortable saying was not as good as Mike Mussina. So the whole argument for Mike Mussina getting into the Hall of fame comes down to the fact that he was better than Jamie Moyer? Yeesh.

As far as I'm concerned - Mike Mussina made over $144 million playing baseball. Now he gets to walk away from baseball, spend that money and spend time with his family. What he does not get is to walk into the Hall of Fame. He is not entitled to that. It is not the Hall of Very Good. As time passes - I guessing more and more people will come to their senses regarding Mike Mussina and the Hall of Fame.

And That's Why We Need a Gun in the House

I had a dream last night where through the cracked open door on my youngest' room - I spotted a tiger pacing around. I immediately burst into the room to see my two youngest standing on their beds, with their backs against the wall, both clutching pillows as if the pillows offered some defense to the pacing, agitated tiger.

As Soon as I assessed the situation - I jumped on the back of the tiger and put it in into some sort of full-nelson (I'm very brave in my dreams). I then started yelling for my kids to get out of the room and for my wife to either call someone to shoot the tiger or to shoot the tiger herself.

Of course my wife then explained to me in a rushed nervous way that she couldn't shoot the tiger because we had no gun in the house. In my dream I clearly recall still straining on the back of the tiger responding, "See - that's why we need a gun in the house!"

In real life - if my best argument for having a gun in the house is to protect the kids in case of tigers - then I'm guessing we're not getting a gun any time soon.

Great Rant



Louis CK is great and he is so right in this rant.

HT American Digest

I Want My Five-Assed Monkey

Glenn Reynolds says he wants his "monkey man" but after reading this post about merging Neanderthal DNA with monkey DNA - I realized they missed the obvious. South Park had the genetically altered monkey DNA via mad scientist Dr. Alphonse Mephisto who was questing for the Holy Grail of a five-assed monkey. Maybe modern science can give us a Neanderthal five-assed monkey man?

The MVP Award and Steroids

This is an observation and not a scientific study in any way but I think one of the elephants in the room that isn't being talked about is how steroids testing has effected baseball and the MVP Award in particular. Consider that the top 5 vote getters in the American League averaged just 22.8 home runs. Only one player in the top 5 had over 30 HR. The 22.8 HR is a 41% decrease in HR from the top 5 vote getters from 5 just years ago.

That's an amazing change in numbers. Yet nobody seems to be mentioning it.

This is not a fluke - it's clearly a trend in both leagues. Here's how the top 5 vote getters have averaged in HR for the past 5 years (doubly significant in that Barry Bonds last won an MVP 5-years ago):

2008 - AL 22.8 / NL 33.6
2007 - AL 33 / NL 38.6
2006 - AL 37 / NL 43.8
2005 - AL 41 / NL 41.4
2004 - AL 38.6 / NL 43

I fully expect the AL average to go up next year but even if it goes up to an average of 30 HR from the top 5 vote getters - that will still be a decrease of 20% from the 2004 numbers.

Eventually the numbers will flatten out and you'll pretty much know what to expect from year to year. I just find it interesting that nobody seems to be commenting on this very obvious drop in the numbers and maybe what it says about the top players of the steroids era.

Penis Enlargement!

I have to get something off my chest. I always have a good chuckle at all those penis enlargement TV commercials, advertisements and spam emails because they always claim that the pills are made of all-natural ingredients. Ha!

If there were natural ingredients that could increase the size of your johnson - then men from the dawn of time would have been eating those ingredients by the handful at every moment of the day. I don't care what those ingredients would happen to be. They could be poison ivy and men would still eat them by the handful.

In fact - if it was poison ivy then Budweiser would have a Penis Mightier beer with poison ivy extract and Zinc oxide (the main active ingredient in Calamine lotion).

Creepy Media

The Big Lead is right - this is creepy.

Report that Tom and Gisele went to a certain restaurant - fine. This is just creepy in the "every breath you take - every move you make - I'll be watching you" stalker sense.

And people wonder why Tom Brady prefers to hang out in Manhattan where he can be just another guy? Yeesh.

Dustin Pedroia Wins AL MVP!!

Dustin Pedroia wins the AL MVP! Yeah! As a Red Sox fan I am ecstatic for Pedey (or Petey). I'm so giddy that my thoughts are all over the place.

I think it is wonderful that yesterday Pedroia wins the award and that today is Equal Opportunity Day. There is a certain symmetry to that. You don't have to be a well above average height wise and muscle wise 1st baseman to win the award. You don't have to be a $25 million third baseman to get the voters attention. Not any more. Dustin Pedroia is a role model to all the small, balding, white guys everywhere. Today they all have equal opportunity to do whatever they strive to do and Dustin Pedroia is the proof!

I know my hope will never be realized but I can't help but dream of Dustin Pedroia making the theme to Mighty Mouse his introductory music. Here he comes to save the day! That would be awesome.

One thing that bothers me is the fact that Dustin Pedroia is good and too unique not to have a good nickname. How about "the Dust Buster"? Naw - I agree. How about "Tootsie"? That plays on the Dustin Hoffman angle (as some at Sons of Sam Horn have suggested). Probably too whimpy. "Get Shorty"? "Vertically challenged"? If Frank Thomas was "the Big Hurt" - maybe Pedroia could be "the Little Nagging Injury"? It's tough to come up with a nickname befitting this great player.

The last Red Sox player to win the AL MVP was Mo Vaughn. I can't help but think that the celebration for the two players was probably as different as their body types. I'm thinking Mo was making it rain at the Foxy Lady after hearing about winning the award. I picture Pedroia doing extra reps at the training institute in Arizona after winning the award.

One last thing - I don't think that Terry Francona gets enough credit when it comes to Pedroia. Last year Pedroia really struggled out of the gate but Francona stuck with him. I don't think the results of that gamble and that belief get enough credit.

Measuring Catcher's Defensive Value

Trying to gauge the defensive value of catchers is a crapshoot. Take David Pinto's Probabilistic Model of Range for instance. He has the Dodger's Russell Martin listed above Jason Varitek by his method. Just saying but the rumors are the Dodgers are interested in Varitek because of the defense he'd bring to the team over Martin.

This is not a slam at Pinto's method in any way. It's more to point out that the defensive value of a catcher is almost impossible to gauge. How do you factor in a good pitching coach or a bad one for that matter? Defensive Win Shares for catchers are an even worse measuring stick.

The Red Sox Do Have a Big Bandwagon

I got a kick out of this tidbit over at Ducksnorts (Padres baseball) in response to the Padres fire sale:

Q: Should I abandon the Padres?
A: If you are serious in asking the question, then yes, you probably should leave.

Q: Okay, where should I go?
A: Try the Red Sox. I hear they’ve got a pretty big bandwagon.

Yes - the Red Sox do have a big bandwagon. So big its embarrassing - so big it's now the punchline for teams like the Padres I guess.

Red Sox fans used to be known by many as the most savvy in baseball. Now the bar has really been lowered by the bandwagon "pink hats". I remember talking to this guy at a game at Fenway about Dustin Pedroia. I mentioned that I saw him play at Portland. He asked if that's where Dustin went to college.