Top 5 - Real Reasons Theo Epstein Quit the Red Sox

Yesterday's press conference did not explain why Theo Epstein is leaving the Red Sox. Nature abors a vacuum - so I'm stepping in to fill the void of answers.

1. Theo had to get out of town before the Red Sox brass found out he charged $241,000 at Scores on the company credit card.

2. He decided to join Green Peace in an attempt to impress Elaine Benes.

3. Ted Williams' diembodied head appeared to him in a vision and told him to move on.

4. He didn't mind trading Nomar or not re-signing Pedro but he drew the line at trading Manny Ramirez.

5. Quitting to become a roadie for Phish.