Casting Casablanca with Presidential Hopefuls

This morning for some reason I started thinking about if a re-make of Casablanca was made today and you had to cast it using only presidential hopefuls from each party - who would get what roles? Here's what I came up with:

Ugarte - Dennis Kucinich gets this role. Peter Lore originally played Ugarte and who better to play the short, slightly creepy role than Kucinich? John Edwards gets to be the understudy.

Yvonne - Hillary Clinton gets this role. In the movie Yvonne starts off with Rick, gets dumped but is equally comfortable with a Nazi but then seems to be pro-Free French. I can see Hillary playing this flip-flopping convincingly.

Signor Ferrari - ask any union man who pays attention to such things and he'd tell you that Bain & Co (Mitt Romney's former company) employed questionable moral choices in trying to make an extra buck. Sydney Greenstreet's character was the head of the black market in Casablanca - so this role should go to someone who could convincingly play this sort of businessman. Mitt Romney gets the role.

Victor Laszlo - this was a pretty stiff character who even though he wasn't the lead - all the other characters were concerned with his goings on. Barack Obama come on down!

Captain Renault - this role goes to Rudy Guiliani. Claude Rains's character was a hound dog when it came to women and with Guiliani's marital record - I could see him playing Captain Renault (I think he'd have to wear a toupee though).

Carl - the heavyset waiter gets to be played by Al Gore. Strictly casting this based upon physical dimensions.

Major Strasser - this role goes to Newt Gingrich. Sorry Newt but someone has to play the Conrad Veidt role of a Nazi officer.

Rick Blaine - after much consideration this role goes to Fred Thompson who just edges out John McCain. Thompson gets the role because in the movie the Bogart character waits till the last momment to get into the fight. That's something Thompson knows something about.

No candidate gets to play the Ilsa Lund character played by a young Ingrid Bergman. I'm hoping Jessica Alba runs at the top of the Green Party ticket to help fill this role.