Monday, December 30, 2013

Adam's Touching Himself

Everyone has trouble talking about sex with their kids. I don't care how cool or hip or how with it you think you are - you are still going to have trouble talking to your kids about sex. 

Even God had trouble talking about sex. Seriously. If you read between the lines in the story of the Garden of Eden - you see how uncomfortable God was in talking about sex. 

Start from the beginning. God made Adam in his image but with one major difference - God was smart whereas Adam didn't know any better because he did not eat from the tree of knowledge - yet. Think about that for a minute. You have a dumb male - a naked male at that - in perfect health just bopping around the Garden of Eden with really nothing to do. Every guy knows what that means. 

Adam must have spent all of his time playing with himself.

There must of been a first time when Adam discovered the hard-on. It was probably morning - a BEMHO (basic early morning hard-on) - not to be confused with a HOFNAR (hard-on for no apparent reason). Can't you picture it? Adam, "Hey what's this?" And of course the first thing he does is to touch it. "Hey it feels pretty good to rub this thing. Hey - this - is - great! Now I know how I'm going to spend my day."

As an aside - God gave Adam the job of naming all the plants and animals. So you know Adam must have also named his newly found best friend. That's why men give their penis a name to this very day. It's a throwback to the Garden of Eden. (I call mine Mr. Happy.)

Now God used to roam the Garden of Eden in those days and you know he must have walked into Adam when Adam was jerking it. God, "Whoa - Adam? What are you doing?" Adam, "Just rubbing myself God. Hey watch what happens when I go really fast." God, "Adam that's fine. That's something you do in private." Adam, "Private? What's that? I'm the only one here. I'm in private everywhere I go." God, "I really have to do something about this guy."

So that night God took one of Adam's ribs and created woe-man and the Bible tells us that is was so that Adam would not be "lonely" but really it was because God was probably tired of seeing Adam playing with himself all the time. 

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Linky Links

Stuff I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share.

- Excellent graphic on Duck Dynasty outrage. As others have pointed out best response to someone really outraged by Duck Dynasty is "Wow - you must really hate Muslims then" and see how they backtrack.

- Netflix getting rid of bunch of titles on January 1st. Check link to see if there is a movie you want to watch before then

- Uncropped version of iconic photo of tank man protester in Tiananmen Square. Wow!

- Tycoon gives away $800 million fortune before jumping to death

- Speaking of Wow! Temporary rules posted at Britain's Richmond Golf Club after German bombs hit course in 1940

- Excellent - Sherlock Holmes now part of public domain

- The Curse of Flutie - hard to argue against it. Though Occam's Razor may just say that this was just evidence that Wade Phillips is awful coach.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

David Ortiz has a career 431 HR. You have to believe that he'd like to play long enough to get to 500. That should take 3 seasons but what if Boston only wants him for two? Would Ortiz seek his 500th HR elsewhere?... Good advice - 8 poker resolutions for the new year... I liked Zima - especially Orange Zima. There I said it! I can confess this because I am comfortable in my manliness... I agree that Michael Shannon's reading of the epic sorority letter was one of the best things of 2013... I hope you had a great Christmas knowing that Abe Vigoda is still alive... 10 historical figures you might not have thought had tattoos... This year saw the capture of Whitey Bulger. Could 2014 be the year the Hambuglar is finally brought to justice?... The 10 best hockey fights of 2013... Nothing like smoking a good cigar then going to watch an AHL hockey game... Santa painted into great works of art...

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Player Comparison

This player comparison struck me when I was reading Matt Snyder's Hall of Fame case for Edgar Martinez.

Edgar Martinez - 2055 G/  8674 AB/ .312 BA/ .418 OBP/ .515 SLG/ .933 OPS/ 147 OPS+
Player A -           2247 G/ 9453 AB/ .316 BA/ .414 OBP/ .539 SLG/ .953 OPS/ 133 OPS+

Player A actually played one fewer season than Edgar but was able to stay more consistently healthy during his career so that he was able to be in the field more often for his team. That has a value all its own. Snyder wrote that Martinez was the opposite of a compiler yet Player A was able to accumulate more runs, hits, doubles, triples, HR, RBI, and total bases in let me say again - one fewer season.

Many baseball scribes are writing that an anti-DH bias may hurt Edgar but there may just be the opposite effect in that some writers may vote for him just to prove they aren't biased against the DH. Player A also will be a victim of bias since he played all his home games at Coors Field. Yet I don't think any writer will go out of his way to show he doesn't hold that against a player's career.

Player A is Todd Helton who won a Gold Glove at first base (it should be mentioned). I am curious to see how the voting for the two players compares.

Happy Birthday Pudge

Today is Carlton Fisk's birthday. Fisk was drafted by the Red Sox in 1967. He was the 4th choice overall. Who went ahead of Fisk?

1. Alec DiStaso P Cubs
2. Michael Flanagan P Yankees
3. Ken Singleton OF Mets
4. Carlton Fisk C Red Sox

Can you imagine if Fisk had been taken by the Yankees? Do you think the Cubs wish they had a do-over on this draft? Ken Singleton was good (3 All Star games) but he was no Rusty Staub and he certainly was no Pudge Fisk.

Happy birthday Pudge.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Christmas Wish

Every year at Christmas I re-read A Christmas Carol. It is a very short book (not even a long short story really). It is my personal Christmas tradition.
"Spirit! are they yours?" Scrooge asked, horrified. He could say no more.

"They are Man's," said the Spirit, "and they cling to me, appearing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, but most of all beware the boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased."

- Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol
I hope in the year to come that you can work to erase ignorance in your life and want in the lives of those you love. 

Merry Christmas - God bless us everyone! 

Christmas Day Cool Pictures

Here's some pictures I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share for some Christmas Day diversions.

- Cool photo - Downtown Las Vegas 1912

- That photo was cool - these ocean photos are amazing

- I agree with the Museum of Fine Arts - Monet's Snowy Scene does put one in the Christmas mood

- Nothing says Merry  Christmas like a member of the Scottish National Antarctic Expedition playing a bagpipe for a penguin (1904).

- Nikola Tesla as swimming instructor 1900 - Tesla was a boss.

- Combining memes - Pajama Boy explains Obamacare to Duck Dynasty

Merry Christmas

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

It's a Wonderful Cure for Bad Eyesight

It's a Wonderful Life is a staple of Christmas and a tradition for many on Christmas Eve but just thinking of it make me need to nitpick on this one little thing that has always bothered/amused me. 

When Jimmy Stewart is alive and him and Donna Reed are busy making kids - her eyesight is perfect. No eyeglasses for Donna Reed. But when Jimmy never existed - all of a sudden the librarian / spinster Reed needs eyeglasses. What happened? 

Now you can argue that she needs glasses because as a librarian she reads more books but I'm not buying that. I think Frank Capra was trying to send out a pro-sex message. Sex is so good it makes your eyesight better! Jimmy Stewart's cure for nearsightedness (that would be a good name for a band - well maybe not). 

Monday, December 23, 2013

Top 5 - Greatest Single Seasons by a Red Sox Pitcher

Here are what I consider the greatest 5 pitching seasons in Red Sox history.

1. Pedro Martinez - 2000 - 18-6 / 213 IP / 313 K / 2.07 ERA / 285 ERA+ 

2. Cy Young - 1901 - 33-10 / 371 IP / 158 K / 1.62 ERA / 216 ERA+ 

3. Pedro Martinez - 1999 - 23-4 / 217 IP / 284 K / 1.74 ERA / 245 ERA+ 

4. Roger Clemens - 1990 - 21-6 / 228 IP / 209 K / 1.93 ERA / 211 ERA+ 

5. Smokey Joe Wood - 1912 - 34-5 / 344 IP / 258 K / 1.91 ERA / 180 ERA+ 

Notes: Cy Young's 158 K's may seem small but it led the league that year and his ERA+ is smaller than what Pedro had in 1999 but keep in mind that Cy pitched 154 more innings - so I think we can give him a break on the ERA. Roger Clemens finished second in Cy Young voting in 1990 to Bob Welsh of the A's who had a 27-6 record with an ERA that was a full run higher than Roger (2.95 to 1.93). Joe Wood had a great 1912 but his K's and ERA were still second in the league to Walter Johnson of Washington. 

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

When Bill Belichick and Tom Brady set the scoring record in 2007 - the Patriots were taken to task by many in the media for "running up the score." Peyton Manning is still running the hurry-up offense up two or three TD's in the 4th quarter and not a peep... Was I wrong for finding this funny? The Italian movie poster for 12 Years a Slave... Castrated Hippos would be a good name for a band. Now opening for Pussy Riot - Castrated Hippos!... Nuns firing guns... I admit that when I watch Peyton Manning play - I root for interceptions... I have to think this guy would A: divorce his wife and B: never be able to show his face in that bar again. Wife rats out bar's illegal Super Bowl pools... Unfixed Cats would also be a good name for a band... Was Nelson Mandela an Alien Freemason? Predicting History Channel shows 20-years from now...

Friday, December 20, 2013

Linky Links

Stuff I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share.

- One of the most honest product reviews you'll ever read - a mother of 3 teenage boys on the merits of Kleenex

- In case you are in a giving mood - I would really like a wingsuit for Christmas

- Marvel confirms Paul Rudd as Ant-Man. So this movie is going to be a comedy right? Ant Man is a joke of a super hero to begin with.

- 17 of the most perfectly timed photos ever

- Both cruel and funny at the same time - Merry Christmas little girl!

- A very concise look at the weasel actions of the Administration regarding their latest actions regarding Obamacare.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Bonnet de douche means shower cap in French but doesn't it sound like a more snarky version of the insult "ass hat". Man that guy Dan Shaughnessy is a real bonnet de douche... Men and their cameras - the more things change the more they stay the same... I think Craig's List should rename "Casual Encounters" to "Hob-Knobbing" - just because... I agree that you will see lots of commercials like this in the run-up to the 2014 elections. Vote em out - vote em all out... Joseph was a swarthy, Mediterranean Jew - would a snow white baby Jesus have been more or less likely for him to believe in the Immaculate Conception?... The largest horse in the world in 1928. Are horses getting smaller these days, people getting larger or both?...

Friday, December 13, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Please - I really hope somebody asked Peyton Manning about his record in cold weather games after last night's loss to the Chargers. Please! Please! Please!... Jacoby Ellsbury took out an ad in the Boston Globe (owned by Red Sox owner John Henry) to thank fans. How come these ads are never taken out in the Boston Herald (which is not owned by Red Sox owner John Henry)... I don't think I'll be seeing Saving Mister Banks anyways but knowing its a bunch of crap is even more reason to stay away... The Internet Map - cannot find A Large Regular on here - so obviously the map is incomplete...Confession - I have never seen any of the Home Alone movies (and have no plans to do so)...  LBJ in the White House pool. I love photos like this... Having a giant Yankees sticker on your car or truck is a good way to insure you WON'T be getting out of a ticket if you get pulled over by the State Police on the Mass Pike... Shaolin Kung Fu Monks... I just find the sound of the word "burgled" amusing. I keep thinking it sounds like something the Urban Dictionary would define as a BJ in the snow or cold, "She burgled me in the ski gondola!"... MacBrown O'Texas would be a great name for a cartoon character...

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Linky Links

Stuff I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share.

- Every year I post the best Christmas song of all time - The Fairytale of New York. But this year Borepatch beat me to the punch.

- Cool - Iconic aerial photo of Muhammad Ali vs Williams 1966

- This is both funny and sad - The real life of Julia (under Obamacare)

- 11 of the richest people in history

- Tips for Jesus - Jack Selby seems like a genuinely nice guy

- The Grand Canyon like you've never seen it before

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Top 5 - Offseason MLB Moves

Here's what I see as the Top 5 MLB offseason moves - so far!

1. Doug Fister to Nationals and Steve Lombardozzi, Robbie Ray and Ian Krol to Detroit. This wasn't even a five nickels for a quarter deal. This was three nickels for a quarter. Fister would be THE ace on half the teams in baseball and the Tigers got a bench guy, a bullpen guy and a AA guy in return for him. Absolute steal by the Nationals.
2. Robinson Cano - signs 10-year $240 million free agent deal with the Mariners. Cano got PAID!
3. Mark Trumbo to Diamondbacks, Adam Eaton to White Sox while Angels get starters Tyler Scaggs and Hector Santiago. A potential 40-HR guy, a starting centerfielder, and two starting pitchers. Most impactful deal for three teams so far.
4. Yankees trade Robinson Cano for Jacoby Ellsbury and Brian McCann. OK so it wasn't actually a trade but I sure feels like one doesn't it? Question - if someone made this trade in your fantasy baseball league - which side would you say was getting the better deal?
5. Prince Fielder to Rangers for Ian Kinsler and $30 million from Tigers. Too early to tell the impact of this deal but considering that Fielder was signed by Detroit in the first place because Victor Martinez got hurt (and is now healthy) and moving Fielder now opens a spot for rookie Nick Castellanos at third my inclination is that this works for both teams.

I said these were my Top 5 so far. I think there's still a blockbuster waiting to happen.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Last night the Cowboys basically quit when they found themselves down 21 with about 3 minutes to go. I found myself thinking that Bill Belichick and Tom Brady would never quit in those circumstances. Maybe that's why the Patriots are the Patriots and the Cowboys are the Cowboys... If humans mated like animals in comic format - disturbing... "Ditka" should be a verb or adjective for anything awesome. We should work to make "Ditka" next year's Websters Word of the Year... Cool - the outcome of the Ravens / Vikings game in terms of poker percentages. Excellent illustration of how unlikely Baltimore's victory really was... I'm wondering why we haven't seen any Ewing Theory references from Bill Simmons regarding the Patriots losing Rob Gronkowski... I'm a huge Band of Brothers fan but I didn't know about number 1 and 3 on this list (and forgot about number 2). 11 actors you may have forgotten were in Band of Brothers... Congrats to Doherty High football coach Sean Mulchahy who will be honored by the New England Patriots today as the high school coach of the year. A well deserved honor for a great guy... Great photo from Sunday!...

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Jacoby Ellsbury got a 7-year deal from the Yankees. I am really curious if there was any legitimate 6-year deals out there that the Yankees felt they had to top... 1936 Jesse Owens gold medal sells for $1.46 million dollars... Crazy trade idea - Ryan Dempster and a prospect from Red Sox to Yankees for Brett Gardner. The Yankees need a starter badly and Gardner is now on the trading block... Fantastic Geoff Baker piece on the dysfunctional Mariners. I'm guessing all the GM's at the Winter Meetings will be trying to dump their bad contracts on Jack Zduriencik as "win now" solutions before the jerkface gets fired... Two days after Pearl Hrbor Bob Feller volunteer for active duty with the Navy. He was the first pro athlete to do so (but not the last). I wonder what pro athlete would do so today? Didn't seem many volunteers after Pat Tillman... Heh heh - science is funny... More unintended consequences - Obamacare may put the end to volunteer fire departments. Unbelievable... Cool - how a car engine actually works... I wonder if historians 80-years from now will look at Obamacare they way we look at Prohibition today. As in "what were they thinking?"...

Saturday, December 07, 2013

Top 5 - Red Sox To Do List

With Mike Napoli re-signing with the Red Sox for 2-years $32 million - the biggest off-season priority for Boston is done. So what is left for Ben Cherington to do at the Winter Meetings? Here's my Top 5:

1. Find a super utility guy - someone who can back-up 3rd, SS and 2nd. Seriously - the pitching staff and the position players are pretty set. As other teams try to fill gaping holes - the Red Sox biggest need is a capable utility guy. Stephen Drew could fit the bill with at-bats shared between Drew, Xander Bogaerts and Will Middlebrooks and there are many who want Drew back but I'd prefer to have Bogaerts play short fulltime and the Red Sox to enjoy the supplemental pick they would get when Drew signs elsewhere.
2. Sign Jon Lester to an extension. He recently said he wants to stay in Boston and would be open to a home-town discount contract like the one Dustin Pedroia signed. Take him up on it before the costs of top shelf starters goes crazy. Say 5-years $100 million? Everyone happy?
3. Trade Ryan Dempster and his $13 million contract. Boston has six starters and only 5 slots. Trading Dempster and his $13 million contract makes the most sense. Of course you could always wait till Spring Training to do this in case of injury.
4. Trade Ryan Lavarnway to a team that needs a catcher. I like Lavarnway but there just isn't roster room either in the bigs in Boston or AAA in Pawtucket. Once again - maybe wait till Spring Training.
5. Sign David Ortiz to an extension. I know both sides agreed to no extension until the current contract was done but that was before Ortiz was World Series MVP. How about 2-years and $30 million?

Friday, December 06, 2013

Thursday, December 05, 2013

Top 5 - Ellsbury Thoughts Part II

Here's some more thoughts regarding the Yankees signing Jacoby Ellsbury to a 7-year $153 million contract.

1. Mickey Mantle finished his career with 153 stolen bases. It is not a stretch that Ellsbury will meet or exceed that number.
2. Reggie Jackson had 144 HR in his time with the Yankees. It may be a stretch but I think Ellsbury could meet or exceed that number too. Why do I think Ellsbury has a chance? Reggie had just 5 seasons in the Bronx and Ellsbury will have 7.  Johnny Damon twice hit 24 HR in his 4 years with the Yankees and Ellsbury has more strength and power than Damon. Plus Ellsbury has a .906 OPS at Yankee Stadium over the last 3 seasons. He can hit there.
3. Supposedly Vegas has set the over/under for HR next season for Ellsbury at 15.5. For the reasons above - I love the over.
4. Rob Bradford makes a point I meant to bring up yesterday - Ellsbury will not pitch for the Yankees. As it stands right now the Yankees have the worst starting rotation in the AL East (Sabbathia, Nova, Phelps, Pineda and Warren). Pitching is their biggest need but they signed Ellsbury who is just an upgrade over Brett Gardner instead. Signing Ellsbury does not make the Yankees a playoff team.
5. The Red Sox will get a windfall from Ellsbury signing in the Bronx. Many of the women and children who were Ellsbury's biggest fans will now need a new Red Sox jersey. Just in time for Christmas.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Top 5 - Ellsbury Thoughts

Here's my Top 5 thoughts on Jacoby Ellsbury signing with the Yankees.

1. In the big scheme of things this is not a Yankees vs Red Sox thing - this is a Scott Boras vs Jay Z thing. And make no mistake - this was a big FU from Boras to Jay Z. Now that Ellsbury got the big contract out of the Yankees there is less money for Robinson Cano who now will have to go with someone like Seattle if he wants top, top dollar. Or he will have to take a lesser deal from the Yankees.
2. As soon as Ellsbury signed with Scott Boras every informed Red Sox fan knew he was gone. That's the way it works and I don't blame Ellsbury at all. This idea that he should be booed when he returns to Fenway is ridiculous. I wish Ellsbury nothing but the best. Boston won two World Series during his time here and Ellsbury was a big part of those titles.
3. Ellsbury won a Gold Glove with the Red Sox but many scouts say that his logical replacement - Jackie Bradly Jr. - is actually already a better defender.
4. The Red Sox drafted Ellsbury with the supplemental draft pick they got from losing Orlando Cabrera to free agency. When Johnny Damon signed with the Yankees - Boston drafted Daniel Bard with the supplemental pick. If the Red Sox can get something in between Bard and Ellsbury with the pick they'll get for losing Ellsbury then Boston fans should be happy. By the way - Jackie Bradley Jr. was drafted with the pick Boston got for losing Adrian Beltre. This, in part, is why Boston has a deep farm system and the Yankees do not.
5. As much as Ellsbury is making with the Yankees - he has the potential to make as much if he gets some type of Jockey or Calvin Klein deals. Ellsbury (and his ass) was the favorite of almost every girl in Boston. I predict it won't be long before you see 30 foot tall billboards of his backside at Times Square.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

So the Red Sox have signed AJ Pierzynski to a one-year deal. This feels a lot like when the Boston Bruins acquired Ken "the rat" Linseman. Will be tough rooting for AJ... Jesse Owens' Gold Medal from 1936 Berlin Olympics up for auction... The Nationals were lucky to get Doug Fister for almost nothing. As lucky as an average guy who happens to be in the right place at the right time when a super model decides she needs to have revenge sex... Vintage advertisements that weren't exactly politically correct... The BBWAA needed 4 tries to elect Rogers Hornsby to the Hall of Fame. Very, very flawed process... 19 shocking facts about Detroit's bankruptcy... Jarrod Saltalamaccia was a solid player and top shelf person during his time in Boston. I wish him nothing but the best with his new team. Godspeed Salty...  I think this idea was written only half in jest. I think it would actually work. Why not naming rights for sections of the newspaper?... Funny how some people who think it is wrong to lie to kids about Santa and the Easter Bunny still hold fast to the idea that Obamacare is actually a workable solution... Glorious! Dropping a red hot nickel ball onto various things. I love the Internets!... All the baseball Hall of Fame debates are petty compared to the injustice of KISS not being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...