Thursday, December 31, 2015

Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton has just two things on his mind today.... The two college football playoff games.

ALR: Mister President thank you for joining us this morning. I understand you are a big college football fan. Who do you like in today's Oklahoma vs Clemson matchup?

BC: Good to be here Chris. I woke up this morning craving melons for breakfast and now I'm craving some football. My first inclination was toward Clemson because I thought the coach's name was Yabbos Sweeney but I was mistaken. I know "Big Game" Bob Stoops is just 8-8 in bowl games in his career but I think the Sooners win this one. I'm giving the 4 points (though I'm hoping I get a line of -3.5 so I can buy half a point).

ALR: And the Alabama vs. Michigan State game?

BC: It may surprise some folks that Nick Saban is also just 8-8 straight up and against the spread in bowl games but here's the thing - Saban really brings his milk shakes to the yard when playing against former assistants. It's like me running an election against Al Gore (who is a real boob and not the good type of boob). I like the Crimson Tide even though 10 is a lot of pompoms to be giving up.

ALR: Good luck Mister President.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

If ESPN's Chris Mortensen was asked to sit on a jury on a case involving Peyton Manning - he'd have to be recused because he's a longtime friend. Yet we are supposed to think he's objective when it come to Peyton's reputed HGH usage... Excelsior! Stan Lee turned 93 yesterday... Is the brain "affected" by alcohol or "effected" by alcohol? Or both?... Manning's doctor is famous for his HGH therapy but we are supposed to believe he was going to him for other treatments... The Ewoks are dead. All of them... Words in a Cunning Order would be a good name for a blog - or a publishing company... My favorite part of the Manning story is now whenever Peyton gets mad at anyone - people can immediately ascribe it to "Roid Rage"... Touching stories of George W. Bush visiting soldiers in the hospital... So does Manning retire at the end of the season with this HGH story hanging over his head or does he try to stay on and dare the Broncos to cut him?... I'm an awful person for laughing at this...

Monday, December 28, 2015

Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning has never used HGH or broken any NFL rules ever. He is a great person of integrity is is beloved in America as witnessed by the large number of commercials he does. Praise be his name. Also Bill Cosby did not rape those women. - Baghdad Bob ESPN Spokesman

Saturday, December 26, 2015


Three articles on retirement - two from former pro athletes and one on David Letterman. Interesting perspectives:

- Joey Harrington looks back on his NFL career.

- Shane Battier is trying to transition from his NBA career to the next challenge

- David Letterman makes me want to move to Whitefish, Montana

Flotsam and Jetsam

Some day after Christmas miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Saw the new Star Wars movie last night. Let's just say that I'm still bothered by some of the liberties the movie took with the laws of planetary physics... Just so I'm clear on all of this - according to the Clintons oral sex isn't sex and according to Donald Trump schlong doesn't mean dick. Gotcha... Why Nova Scotia sends Boston a Christmas tree every year... Years after the original Star Wars movie came out it was retitled as "A New Hope". I think years from now this current Star Wars movie will be retitled as "The New Reboot"... Heh Heh... People like to diminish Bill Belichick's abilities as a GM but it should be noted that all seven of the players from the Patriots to be named to the Pro Bowl were either drafted by the team or signed as undrafted free agents. That's a pretty good accomplishment... The new laziness... Hope everyone had a great Christmas. If you want to know what issues I had with the new Star Wars movie - I'd be happy to let you know in the comments section (spoiler alert obviously)...

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Top 5 - Best Versions of Dickens' A Christmas Carol

1. Scrooge - with Alastair Sim
2. A Christmas Carol - with Patrick Stewart
3. Mickey's Christmas Carol
4. The Muppet Christmas Carol
5. Scrooged - with Bill Murray

Christmas Flotsam and Jetsam

Christmastime miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

What has ruined Christmas music more for you? Radio stations that start playing Christmas songs 24/7 since Thanksgiving or Yoko Ono's back-up "singing" on John Lennon's Happy Christmas (War is Over)... A very touching Christmas Bloom County... Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Pud Galvin was born Christmas 1856. He was nicknamed Pud because he made hitters look like "pudding" at the plate. Not because he was a dick... Dear Jack Edwards - we wish you a merry Christmas too... History factoid: The official signal for the scramble to evacuate the US Embassy in Saigon 40-years ago was the playing of Bing Crosby's White Christmas... They were trying to kill each other again the next day...

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Top 5 - Otters in US History

Here are what I consider to be the Top 5 Otters in US history. Otter from Animal House did not make the list because he's fictional. List in reverse order of significance:

5. Obadiah Otter - he was a curious otter who happened upon the Donner Party in 1846. These were the first humans Obadiah ever encountered and as it worked out also the last. He is historically significant because he kept the Donner Party from resorting to cannibalism (for an additional 36 hours).

4. Jeremiah Otter - his wife and adopted son were killed by a Crow Indian raiding party. He spent the rest of his life tracking down Crow Indians and ripping out their necks while they slept. He became a Rockie Mountain legend and some say a myth. Some even say he's up in those mountains still.

3.  Sergeant York Otter - while it was widely reported that the Navy experimented with strapping bombs to dolphins it is lesser known that the Army had a similar project utilizing otters. Sergeant York Otter was named after the WWI hero and died during a training accident.

2. Sacajawea Otter - the only female otter on the list. She was the mascot of the Lewis and Clark expedition party until she was killed by Meriwether Lewis and her pelt was exchanged for some corn meal.

1. Bedford Otter - this otter is significant because as a youth he used to live in a pond in Bedford Falls and one winter when he was young he was poking around under the ice to the point where he caused a few cracks.  These cracks broke when a young Harry Bailey was sledding onto the ice. In one timeline Harry's older brother George was able to save Harry but in another timeline George wasn't around to save Harry. In a third less publicized timeline - Bedford Otter didn't nose around under the ice and Harry never fell into the icy waters. In that timeline George Bailey was a whole lot less necessary to the happiness of Bedford Falls.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

I think the NFL should stand firm and suspend Odell Beckham Jr. for this Sunday's game... WFT? Actor Nicolas Cage agrees to return stolen skull of dinosaur Tyrannosaurus bataar to Mongolia...  I'm starting to think Leonardo DiCaprio is "protesting too much" that he didn't get "raped" by a bear. Was it consensual?... Nice math trick - if you divide 1 by 998,001 you get all three digit numbers from 000 to 999 in order... Speaking of dinosaurs - Plesiosaurs may have swum like penguins... Black Hermione would be a great name for a band... "Ball Peen Hammer" sounds like it could be a sex act from the Urban Dictionary. Is "peen" ever used in any other phrase?... Yes this is the GIF of the year...  I should note that I'm in a Fantasy Football final and I'm playing against a guy who is starting Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. Suspend the bastard!...

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The NFL and the Concussion Protocols

So the NFL wants to fine teams that don't follow the concussion protocols. If I were the NFLPA I wouldn't fall for this. Just another power grab by Roger Goodell.

I have a better suggestion. If a team obviously doesn't follow the concussion protocols (like with what happened to Case Keenum earlier in the season) and a three doctor panel agrees - then the affected player gets his entire contract guaranteed. If a team suddenly feels like there could be salary cap implications in treating a player's health like a disposable commodity - then you would suddenly see a sharp change in how things are handled. Teams would be instantly erring on the side of caution (as they should anyway).

So let it be written so let it be done.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Tom Brady and Politics

Dan Wetzel has a good take on Tom Brady and his relationship with Donald Trump. I agree with the idea that it is a no win situation for Brady and at the same time none of anyone's business.

If I owned the Patriots - here's how I would handle the situation:

First I would cancel all current press credentials. Then I would have all the "journalists" reapply but have to fill out a brief form. The form would ask, "What is your political affiliation?" "Who did you vote for in the last two Presidential elections?" "Who do you plan to vote for in the 2016 Presidential election?"

At the bottom of the form would be a box you can check that would say, "I'm not answering those questions. My politics or anyone's politics is nobody's business. I'm just here to cover football."

Then I'd only give credentials to people who checked the box.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Fairytale of New York

The best Christmas song ever! Now I'm in the holiday spirit!

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Did not watch the GOP debate last night. I have no plans to watch any debates because it doesn't really matter and I have better things to do with my time... Nicely done LeBron. Nicely done... In the end the GOP candidate will be either Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz. I'm OK with either choice... Last night's debate was supposed to be on foreign policy. How come the media so eager to ask the GOP candidates questions on foreign policy are so silent on the failures of the current administration?.... My guess is that either Ben Carson or Carly Fiorina will be the choice for VP. I'm OK with either of those choices too... The sad reality of social media fame. I think you do things like this because you want to and enjoy it not because you want to get rich or famous. For instance I seek neither fame nor fortune via this blog (I make zero from this site). I just like writing down my thoughts to make more room for the voices in my head that are screaming, SCREAMING to be heard... This seems like a very common sense proposal by Senators Ted Cruz and Mike Lee... Holiday tip - as a joke when you go to a friend's home for a Christmas party replace the can of air freshener in the bathroom with a can of Raid. Your hostess will love you for it... Our allies the Saudis...

Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Darth Trump

This is fantastic! Huuuge!

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

[Shocked] Shelby Miller was worth all of that? [Scratching my head] Is Shelby Miller worth all that? This trade has a whiff of Doyle Alexander for John Smoltz to me except this is pre-season not during the season... Heh heh... The things you learn on the Internet: the difference between caramel and butterscotch is butterscotch contains brown sugar instead of white... This may be the only thing from Charles Schultz that actually made me chuckle (I'm a bad person)... How much money do you think it would take to get Peyton Manning to sing, "On the bench it feels so weird" in that State Farm jingle?... Neal Pert is retiring from drumming... Still not 100% convinced that the @realDonaldTrump Twitter feed isn't actually a parody account. It would explain so much... Holy shit! Wait for it!... Boston sports troll Dan Shaughnessy won the Spink Award which means he gets into the baseball Hall of Fame -  which means going to Cooperstown to rub my balls all over Shaughnessy's plaque just made my bucket list...

Monday, December 07, 2015

Larry Bird

Happy birthday to Larry Legend. The video above helps show why he's so beloved in Boston.

Pearl Harbor Day Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations on the 74th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor.

On this day 74 years ago Japan attacked the United States Naval base at Pearl Harbor... Taking the President's example - Bill Belichick to blame Patriots loss to Eagles on Global Warming... Great moments in marketing history... Interestingly enough - after Pearl Harbor - Canada actually declared war on Japan before the US did... Just 2 days after Pearl Harbor baseball great Bob Feller volunteered for military service. It was this patriotism that Ted Williams always admired more about Feller than anything Feller ever did on the baseball diamond... Interesting article on how Pearl Harbor created big government in the US and how that era is coming to an end... Random thought - Spare Time is a great name for a bowling alley...

Sunday, December 06, 2015

Top 5 - Robert Loggia Roles

Saddened by the recent passing of actor Robert Loggia. At one point in time Loggia seemed to be everywhere and in some small role in every movie or TV show that came out. Here are what I consider his top 5 roles.

1. Scarface (Frank Lopez)
2. Big (MacMillan)
3. Independence Day (General William Grey)
4. Necessary Roughness (Coach Wally Rig)
5. Prizzi's Honor (Edwardo Prizzi)

As far as I'm concerned you could put those roles in any order you like. Loggia wasn't the lead but he was memorable in all those films. You could also argue the TV show Mancuso, FBI should make the list but I'd have to leave that to you since I never watched the show.

Linky Links

Stuff I found interesting or amusing and thought I'd share.

- Holy crap! I've always thought it would be cool to boat down the entire length of the Mississippi River but to swim it? Incredible.

- Heh heh

- Mexican nativity scene?

- But isn't just deciding to be a vegan a sign of mental illness to begin with?

- Sad but true

- If they weren't so expensive - these teabags would make excellent gifts

- Heh heh

- Heartwarming story of what sounds like a great community

Friday, December 04, 2015

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

My heartfelt condolences to anyone who bet on the Detroit Lions last night. That was the ultimate bad beat... This has been my favorite joke to tell the past 6 months... It has to be asked - is Abe Vigoda an immortal?... In New England the Patriots have become so big that kids don't write letters to Santa any more. They write letters to Teddy Bruschi... BTW - that wasn't a facemask last night. Never should have been a flag... Interesting - is intermittent fasting good for you?... Is the answer oral sex? If not I don't want to know the question... Heh heh... You have to think that there were a lot of  Packer fans and people who bet on Green Bay who turned off the game when it was 17-0 last night. What a nice surprise for those folks to wake up to this morning...

Thursday, December 03, 2015

The Buckler

There's Christian Rock but no Christian Wrestling - I say we change that.

This time of year I always think of the following Bible verse:

"As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those who trust in him" - Psalm 18:30

I got to thinking that "The Buckler" would be a great name for a Christian wrestler. I went out to to dinner once when this idea first hit me and there was a non-alcoholic beer on the menu called - you guessed it - Buckler. Vince McMahon has to make this happen.

Here's the idea - a Christian wrestler who only wrestles to spread the Gospel. He' gets sponsored by Heineken (they make Buckler beer) and the other wrestler's make fun of his religion in order to get him to lose his cool. Can't you picture the Undertaker getting the Buckler in a choke hold and saying, "Where's your Moses now?" (like Dathan from The Ten Commandments). Triple H could pile drive him and ask, "Your God, your God - why has he abandoned you?"

The Buckler in turn could come out with a signature surrender hold called "the crucifixion." The Buckler's entrance music could be some gospel standard or something by Creed. You hear "Onward Christian Soldiers" over the PA and McMahon says, "Is that the Buckler's music I hear?"

It would be controversial and that's what wrestling thrives on. This could be huge.

So let it be written - so let it be done.

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

A Legend Retires

So a 37-year old NBA legend announces his intention to retire at the end of the season and it sets off a big farewell tour. All the NBA cities who will be seeing him play for the last time make a big production of it. You might think I am speaking of Kobe Bryant but actually I was referring to Celtics legend John Havlicek's 1977-78 season.

The similarities between the two players is pretty pronounced. Start with the size - Bryant 6'6" and 212 pounds vs Havlicek's 6'5" and 203 pounds. Kobe went into the NBA right from high school so has the benefit of 4 more NBA seasons. Havlicek meanwhile went to college and is also a legend at Ohio State. In Havlicek's final season he averaged 16.1 points plus 4 assists and 4 rebounds per game. Kobe is averaging 15.5 points along with 3.4 assists and 4.1 rebounds.

If you take away the points from Kobe's first 4 seasons and factor in that the 3-pointer wasn't around in Havlicek's day - the Black Mamba would still be the better scorer but only by the slightest of margins (26,930 points and counting to 26,395). The rebounds favor Havlicek  (8,007 to 6,853 and counting) while Kobe has the slight advantage in assists averaging 5.3 career per game to Hondo's 4.8 (and Kobe was the guy who supposedly didn't pass the ball). These two guys are statistically almost mirror images.

Havlicek was a 13-time NBA All-Star while Kobe went to 17-All-Star games (and counting). It is a big deal that Kobe also won 5 NBA Championships with the Lakers but let's not forget that Havlicek owns 8 Championship rings from his career with the Celtics.

The whole point of this isn't to take anything away from Kobe but just that it saddens me that Havlicek seems completely forgotten and the two were almost identical. Even as a Celtics fan I'll admit that Kobe was the better player but the difference wasn't as great as some would have you believe.

Top 5 - Christmas Songs by Rock Stars

1. Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Bruce Springsteen 
2. Do They Know It's Christmas - Band Aid 
3. Father Christmas - The Kinks 
4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - Bare Naked Ladies 
5. Little Drummer Boy - Bing Crosby and David Bowie 

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Tax the NCAA

Georgia fired head football coach Mark Richt after 15-years of winning about 75% of all the games he coached. By all accounts Mark Richt is a good and decent man who was a fine representative for the University but in the end that wasn't enough. At the same time that was playing out LSU was letting head coach Les Miles twist in the wind. The same Les Miles who had LSU wanked in the Top 5 earlier in the year and who has recently won a National Championship.

Isn't it time to give up the pretense that big time college sports have anything to do with education? Can anyone give me a good reason why the money generated by Division 1 sports isn't taxed?

Top 5 - Best Versions of Dickens' Christmas Carol

1. Scrooge - with Alastair Sim 
2. A Christmas Carol - with Patrick Stewart 
3. Mickey's Christmas Carol 
4. The Muppet Christmas Carol 
5. Scrooged - with Bill Murray