John Goldfarb, Please Come Home!

Maybe the worst sports movie of all-time.

During the Cold War, John Goldfarb (Richard Crenna) crashes his spy plane in the Middle East and is taken prisoner by the local government. His captor, King Fawz (Sir Peter Ustinov), soon discovers that Goldfarb used to be a college football star. So he issues him an ultimatum: coach his country's football team, or Fawz will surrender him to the Russians.

Oh and the team Goldfarb will be coaching against is somehow Notre Dame which was the Alabama of the time.

Written by William Peter Blatty (of The Exorcist fame). "The plot," said Blatty, "was basically inspired by Francis Gary Powers."

Starring Shirley MacLane who was quoted as saying, "What a movie. A dumb broad runs through the whole Notre Dame team."

Directed by an Englishman who knew nothing about American football or the rules to the game. 

I only say "maybe" the worst sports movie of all-time because Caddyshack II also exists.

Murder on the Orient Express and the Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

So last night I finally saw Murder on the Orient Express and it was awful! How awful? This was an actual conversation with my girlfriend:

Me: This movie is awful compared to the original.
Her: This movie is awful compared to anything.

I really couldn't disagree. We saw the movie at the Elm Street Draught House a fun, funky theater where they serve pizza and beer. We would have walked out on the film but I had ordered a pitcher of Bud Light and I wasn't wasting good beer. The experience did make me think of the worst movies I've ever seen in a movie theater though.

1. Murder on the Orient Express - gets top spot because it's freshest in my memory. The acting was terrible and they made changes to the characters and plot from the book and original film that only served to further upset me. Hard to believe this movie is at 58% on Rotten Tomatoes because this flick was crap.

2. Basketcase - had a date pick this movie back in high school. We didn't last very long as a couple.

3. Ruby Sparks - can't believe this dreck is at 75% on Rotten Tomatoes. It was so bad that me and my girlfriend walked out.

4. Birdman - I know people loved this Michael Keaton vehicle but I thought it was horrible. Oh one long pretentious shot - crap!

5. Batman vs Superman - I walked out of this disappointing experience about an hour forty-five into the movie.

Really couldn't think of a bad sixth movie so I guess my track record isn't that bad. Your taste in movies may differ.

Dear Simon Pegg

Dear Simon Pegg,

Last night I went to your newest movie The World's End. I think you owe me $22.50!

I'm sorry but that movie was horrible. I was tempted to walk out but I kept hoping t would get better, that there might be one big belly-laugh that would salvage the movie in some degree but I waited in vain. I seriously rooted for you and your mates to get to the World's End just so the movie would be over.

There have been just two times in my life that I have walked out of a movie. Last year I walked out on Ruby Sparks. That movie was "critically acclaimed" but I found it beyond lame and tedious. In high school I walked out of an abomination of a movie called Basket Case. My date picked that movie and I then picked the option not to have another date with her.

What gets me is the ridiculous high ratings the three movies I linked to above get on IMBD. The World's End is currently at a 7.1 out of 10; Ruby Sparks is a solid 7 while Basket Case is at 6 out of 10 (I was sure it would be no higher than a 2 or a 3). Who is doing the rating at IMBD?

I guess I'm most disappointed because I'm a fan of your work Mr. Pegg. The movies Hot Fuzz and Paul were funny in a way I expected The World's End to be. I was disappointed when it wasn't even close.

Buy me a case of beer and we'll call it even.

Chris Lynch
Disappointed Moviegoer

Killing Them Softly

Saw the movie Killing Them Softly last Friday and to say it was a disappointment would be an understatement. The movie, it seemed, tried to be one part Trainspotting, one part crime documentary and one part political commentary and when put together - it just didn't work.

I had read the book the movie was based on - Cogan's Trade by George V. Higgins - so I had no trouble following the plot but the person I was with had not read the book and was thoroughly confused. I liked the book and was looking forward to the movie but there were certain aspects and dialogue from the book that never should have made it to the screen but there it was.

Then you had the political commentary. Speeches by George W. Bush, Senator Barack Obama and others were cut into the film or playing in the background for what purpose I couldn't tell you. George V. Higgins' main message from the book was that criminals are stupid. The movie seemed to try and make some sort of metaphor between crime and the banking crisis.

My recommendation for this movie is simple - if you haven't read the book - save your money. And if you have read the book - save your money.

King of New York

Last night I watched King of New York. It has to be about 15 years since I had seen the 1990 flick and I remembered it as a pretty cool Christopher Walken vehicle. I was correct in remembering that it was a Christopher Walken movie but I had no memory of the movie being so bad. I mean really bad. I mean mesmorizingly bad. It is billed as a stylized retelling of Robin Hood but it is just a tossed together shoot-em up. Even though it was made in 1990 - it has an 80's feel to it. The clothes, half the actors wearing sunglasses at night, the language, the whole movie had a 80's feel. Besides the 80's feel - the two things that stood out to me was the fact that Laurence Fishburne had magic pistols that could shoot hundreds of rounds without a new clip and also how badly people died in the movie. I don't mean that their deaths were gruesome - I mean the acting was just so very over the top. Master thespian sarcastic over the top. After watching the movie I found out via IMDB that the film was financed by Silvio Berlusconi - the future Italian Prime Minister. That was just the icing on the cake. If you remember King of New York as a decent flick - watch it again to have a good laugh at both how bad the movie really is and also how silly your younger self must have been to have liked it the first time around.

The 100 Worst Movies of the Last 10 Years

Interesting list of the 100 worst movies of the past 10 years.

I'm pretty happy with the fact that I have not seen a single movie on the list.