A Large Regular Exclusive Interview with Roger Clemens' Right Groin

Today A Large Regular is lucky enough to have an exclusive interview with perhaps the most famous body part in the world today. Please bear with me though because I've never interviewed a body part before.

ALR: First off - thank you very much for agreeing to this interview.

RCRG: My pleasure. It's not very often that a body part gets to tell their side of the story and I appreciate the opportunity.

ALR: Can you explain what fatigue means in this situation? I know many people, myself included, had never heard of a fatigued groin before.

RCRG: Maybe the best way to think of it is to think of the "fatigue" simply as a warning sign. When the brain gets light-headed - it doesn't mean that the brain is damaged. It's just a precautionary sign that things need to be taken easily or else something bad could happen.

ALR: Are you saying something bad could happen to Roger Clemens?

RCRG: Hello! Wake up and smell the coffee. Roger is a 44-year old male who is being asked to compete against top athletes in their prime of life. Not only is he being asked to compete against these top athletes - some people are viewing him as some sort of saviour. Almost all of Rogers' body parts were apprehensive about this but I was the only one with the willingness to speak up.

ALR: I'm not sure I understand. Last year Roger Clemens looked great. Could that much change in just one year?

RCRG: Let me make a movie analogy that may help to explain the situation. Think of Roger Clemens as Marlon Brando. Both were all-time greats. You could argue either as the greatest ever in their professions. Last year was like Brando in Apocalypse Now. Everyone remembers Brando as being great in that movie but the fact is Brando showed up on the movie set so fat and overweight that Francis Ford Coppola had to use all his directing tricks to hide Brando's being so out of shape. Coppola did things like showing Brando in shadow or only showing from the shoulders up. People thought Coppola was being creative but what he really was doing was hiding that Roger - sorry I mean Brando - was fat. Sure Roger looked great on paper last year but he hardly ever got past the sixth inning and he was pitching against very weak National League competition. There are a bunch of us body parts who think that this year pitching against the tough AL East could make Roger look like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. Nobody wants that.

ALR: But why you? Why the right groin and not the left groin? Why not the hamstring or shoulder?

RCRG: I didn't want to be the one to speak up but I guess the other body parts look at the groin as the one with balls even though the testicles aren't part of the groin medically speaking. As far as the left groin - he's a big suck up. He'd never complain to Roger. Whereas I'm the one who has to help push off from the rubber on every pitch. I'm doing all the work and the left groin is just along for the ride.

ALR: I have to ask about steroids. You know that Roger was named by Jason Grimsley as a steroids user. What do you know about Roger and steroids?

RCRG: Well if Roger was doing steroids - he was doing it behind my back. Seriously. You'll have to ask one of the gluteus maximus. I know that I was never involved in any steroids taking. Really - what male in his right mind would stick a needle in his groin?

ALR: What do you have to say to the people who view Roger as the last chance for the Yankees to make the playoffs this year?

RCRG: I am Roger's smirking revenge.

ALR: Thank you so much for your time.

RCRG: My pleasure.