Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

Has ESPN's Mike Tirico ever publicly commented on the Brett Favre dong pictures? Just curious because of his history... Toy Grit... Joe Paterno still holds a share of Brown University's record for career interceptions with 14... In the mid-1950s, Kurt Vonnegut ran a Saab dealership in West Barnstable, Massachusetts.... That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day... The lady in the Geigo commercial who thinks the lizard is Stanley must really like small penis. Or maybe the woman is a reverse Richard Gere?... An Atom walks down road when he suddenly bumps into another atom. "Are you okay?" he asks "No! I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"... Don Corleone's mansion in The Godfather movie is for sale: $2.9 million. How cool would it be to live in the Godfather's house?... It is never a good idea to tell a woman that she looks like Peter Gammons... What the heck?... I watched 10 second of Sarah Palin's Alaska - that was enough... I think Gronkowski is Polish for Ditka... Vince Young's career QB rating is just 75.7 which would be 28th out of 32 QB's this season. Why do people like him again? Titans would be better off if they went after Bruce Gradkowski, Kevin Kolb or Michael Vick in 2011 instead of Vince Young.

The Scotsman and the Dentist

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an
extraction.

"$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye no got anything cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting
agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.

"What about if you didn't use any anesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if you used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic", said the Scotsman,

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction and the other students watching and learning", said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can you book the wife in for next Tuesday?"

Heh Heh

Pinocchio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!" So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice. "Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response. A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinocchio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?" "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio.

Good Joke for a Friday

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby Photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, ... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??".

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?.... Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Heh Heh

As Homer would say - its funny because its true.

Heh Heh

Joke for the day.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER................

Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replied.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your backside, didn't it?"

He is still alive, and with physiotherapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

Heh Heh - Joke of the Day

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."