Carl Spackler Makes His March Madness Picks



ALR is lucky to have a celebrated guest today to make his NCAA men's basketball picks. Carl Spackler may be the most famous greens keeper in all the world and we are very glad that he agreed to join us today.

CS: Happy to be here.

ALR: First off - let me ask you which are your upset games, your Cinderella teams?

CS: I have Holy Cross as my Cinderella story this year. They come outta nowhere (well actually Worcester) to win against number 4 seed Southern Illinois. You know that Salukis is Comanche Indian for "varmit poontang" and the only good varmit poontang is a dead varmit poontang. Also I have number 6 seed Notre Dame making the Great Eight which is a bit of a Cinderella story as well.

ALR: I think this might be best if we take it bracket by bracket. How do you view the Midwest bracket?

CS: Well like I just said - I see Notre Dame making the Great Eight by beating Wisconsin whose team mascot is the Badger which is a varmit. In order for Notre Dame to beat Wisconsin they have to know and understand their enemy which in this case is a varmit. And a badger varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So Notre Dame will have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote. However, Notre Dame won't have superior firepower to take out both Wisconsin and Florida - so Florida wins the bracket.

ALR: What about the West bracket?

CS: I have this bracket coming down to Kansas and Pittsburgh with Kansas moving on to the Final Four. Pittsburgh beats UCLA because Pittsburgh can swim in either a pool or a pond but UCLA is a pampered team that needs a heated pool with no deep end to feel comfortable.

ALR: And the East?

CS: I have number 1 seed North Carolina losing to Texas and Texas losing to number 2 seed Georgetown. Did you known that "gunga galunga" is Tibetan for "what rocks!" and that "hoya" is Latin for "what rocks!" That can't be just coincidence.

ALR: And that leaves the South bracket.

CS: Oh I have Ohio State rolling through this bracket but as an upset I do have Nevada beating second seed Memphis.

ALR So that gives us a Final Four of Florida, Kansas, Georgetown and Ohio State. Who do you see winning it all?

CS: Well you may see it differently but then again elevators smell different to midgets but I have Ohio State winning it all this year. I have to laugh, because I've outsmarted even myself with these picks. My enemy, my foe, is a bracket and in order to conquer the bracket, I had to learn to think like a bracket. And, whenever possible, to look like one. And I think I've succeeded.

ALR: Thank you so much for your time.

CS: In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, Large Regular'.