Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The A-Rod Interview

ALR: A Large Regular is very pleased that we have been granted an exclusive interview with baseball star Alex Rodriguez. This interview comes as quite a surprise since I’m a lifelong Red Sox fan and A-Rod isn’t exactly my favorite player. First off – thank you Alex for making the time for this interview but I must ask – why me?

A-Rod: Well Chris the answer is actually fairly simple. I’m a fan of your work and I know you won’t hesitate to ask me the hard questions. I thought I could get a good grilling during my 60 Minutes interview but Katie Couric just wanted to smile at me.

ALR: I must admit that I missed that interview. Couric is so sugary sweet I fear just by watching her that I’ll get diabetes. I did see some highlights where she asked you if you used steroids and you said “No”. Let me start by asking you the same question – have you ever purchased or used steroids or HGH?

A-Rod: See Chris – that’s what I mean about tough questions. Couric asked me if I ever used steroids but she never asked me if I’ve ever bought them. Well to be clear – let me say that I have never used steroids but I’ve bought them for years. The steroids were never for me though. They were for my stripper “friends”.

ALR: What?

A-Rod: Come on Chris. It’s no secret that I like muscular strippers. The steroids I buy them make them even more muscular. They say that sex is the best exercise there is and let’s just say that in that regard I’m a workout freak. The more muscular they are the better the workout. My wife is cool with it as long as it’s only on the road and only with strippers. A man’s got to stay in shape? Right?

ALR: To be clear – you say that you have never used steroids or HGH yourself though. If that’s true how to you counter Jose Canseco’s assertion that you should have been named in the Mitchell Report?

A-Rod: Jose is a moron and he’s broke. He wants to write another book and he’s trying to use me and my good name as a hook for an advance. That’s my best guess to why he’s doing what he’s doing. As far as the people who think he’s a reliable source because the players he named in his first book all proved out are forgetting that in his book he made a big deal out of saying that no way could Roger Clemens be a steroids user. That Roger was too much of a work out freak. How wrong was Jose on Clemens? As wrong on Clemens being clean as his slander that I’m dirty. That’s how wrong.

ALR: Speaking of the Mitchell Report – what was your reaction?

A-Rod: I think George Mitchell is a great person but is it any surprise that the brunt of the blame from the report is placed squarely on the shoulders of players and players alone? Owners and baseball have made hundreds of millions of dollars during the steroids era. They knew exactly what was going on. Yet there is no blame placed on or even the slightest examination of any culpability of any of the owners or of Bud Selig for that matter. But then again - baseball paid for the study so that shouldn’t be a surprise. Would you be surprised if big tobacco sponsored a study and the results pointed the finger at everyone but big tobacco?

ALR: Do you have any suggestions on how to clear up the steroid problems in baseball?

A-Rod: I would do four things and these four things would clear up the problems almost overnight. First I would more than double the number of times a player would be tested and there would be no restriction when the tests could take place. Second – I would void any contract for a player found using steroids and suspend the player for the remaining portion of his contract. Third – I would take away the roster spot from the team for the duration that a player is on a steroids related suspension. So if a player had a 3-year contract but was found using after the first year – he’d be suspended 2-years and the team would lose his roster spot for 2-years. That would put a stop to teams signing questionable guys. Finally – I would go back to the equipment men for each team and find out over the past 30-years which players had their hat size increase more than 2 sizes over the years. I would put an asterisk next to each of those players stating how many hat sizes the player’s head grew by. This last thing would be not only be factual but also a wink-wink way for saying something unnatural was going one. People’s melons just don’t get bigger once you are an adult.

ALR: Finally – I have to ask about your relationship with Scott Boras.

A-Rod: I’m very image conscious. That’s no secret. I feel like I’m the best player in the game and I want to be paid as the best. There’s nothing wrong with that. What I’m not happy with is the fact that now people think of me as greedy. I’m not greedy. Scott Boras is. Tiger Woods is the best player in his sport and he’s very image conscious too. Yet nobody thinks of him as greedy. Let me ask you – do you know who Tiger’s agent is? [ALR shakes head in the negative] See! I’m associated with Scott Boras and Scott Boras is one crazy, greedy, mother. I’ve got to get away from him. And that’s what I plan to do.

ALR: Thanks for the interview.

A-Rod: You’re welcome.

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