Top 5 - Festivus Grievances

Happy day after Festivus! I got a lot of problems with some of you people! Here are my top 5 grievances at the moment. Want to read other people's Festivus grievances? The Airing of Grievances is the only place to look.

1. Cuba Gooding Jr. in those Haines underwear commercials. Those commercials just make me uncomfortable. So Cuba Gooding Jr. goes into other people's dressing rooms and steals their underwear. Is Cuba supposed to be some sort of kleptomaniac? Some sort of men's underwear fetishist? Is he gay for Michael Jordan? Is that the market segment Haines is trying to target – the homosexual NBA groupie market? Has Cuba Gooding Jr.'s star fallen so low that he's reduced to doing commercials like this or does Michael Jordan hold some sort of grudge against Gooding forcing to debase himself so? No matter how you slice it – the commercials make me uncomfortable.

2. "He went to Jared's". I swear to God. If in real life someone said that to me and was serious – that person would get kicked in the nuts.

3. Accidentally giving yourself a Dutch oven. That's all I want to say about that.

4. Tim McCarver. Why God? Why? What demographic actually enjoys listening to this blowhard? Al Leiter and Dennis Eckersley could give better analysis in their sleep. Forget the steroids era – the festering Tim McCarver announcing era has done much more harm to the youth of this country than BALCO and all the cheaters put together.

5. The fact that the traditional day of observing Festivus fell on a Sunday this year so that Orthodox Festivus practitioners don't get to take the day as a paid holiday. If Christmas fell on a Sunday – you would still get Monday as a paid day off. It's religious discrimination and I pray to the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster to set this to rights – blessed be his noodly appendage. Ramen.

OK – now that's out of the way let's get on with the feats of strength,