FARK Joke Thread

There was a joke thread over at FARK but to save you - my loyal readers - the time of wading through the really bad - I'm posting some of the better efforts:

An atom is walking down a road when he bumps into another atom, knocking him down. "Are you okay?" he asks. "No! I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? Because they all have phones.

A 15-year-old boy walks into a bar and asks the waitress for a beer.
"Yeah right, kid. You wanna get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later, babe; right now I just want a beer."

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth!"
The dentist looks surprised and says, "Sir, I think you need a psychiatrist, not a dentist."
"Yeah, I know," replies the man.
Even more confused, the dentist asks, "Well then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."

A man is driving far out in the bush in Australia. A kangaroo suddenly shoots past his car and is chased by a running man. The man flying tackles the kangaroo, pulls it down to the road and has sex with it. Horrified, the driver pulls off at a small settlement and goes into the bar/general store, and while waiting for service sees a one legged man in the corner furiously jerking off.

The bartender comes over and the guy buys a beer, then he asks the bartender, "what the hell is going on around here? On the road I saw a man run incredibly fast to capture and have sex with a kangaroo, then I walk in here and see a one-legged man jerking off in the corner?"

"'ell he sure couldn't catch a kangaroo with one leg, now, could he?" says the bartender.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
There isn't time.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Now, this is the point where you say "Control freak who?"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks "Are you good at doing tattoos of celebrities?"

The guy says, "Sure, I'm pretty good. What do you want done?"

The lady says, "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."

"No problem," says the artist. "Take your pant off and get up on the table."

After a couple of hours, he finishes, and she sits up and examines the tattoos.

"That doesn't look like either of them!" she complains.

"Sure it does," he says, "and I'll prove it to you." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks the drunk, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "Well, I'm not too sure who the other two are, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the man who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of the lake. One yells, "how do i get to the other side of the lake." The other yells back "you are on the other side of the lake"