Monday, December 11, 2006

The True Story Behind the Bonds Contract

ALR has obtained a secret recording of a conversation that took place last Thursday at the baseball winter meetings between Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig and San Francisco GM Brian Sabean. The conversation spells out the true story behind the $16 million contract "offer" to slugger Barry Bonds.

Selig: Brian – it’s Bud here. Hey I just heard that Barry Bonds is here at the hotel. Did you know about this? Did you know he was coming?

Sabean: No. I had no idea he was coming. He just showed up unannounced with that damn entourage of his.

Selig: This is awful. Now all the news for the next few days is going to be about Barry. And every time there’s news about Barry - all people think about is steroids in baseball. We can’t afford the negative publicity.

Sabean: Well what do you want me to do about it? As far as I’m concerned Barry’s no longer my problem. His contract is up and I have no intention of offering him a new one. I’m well rid of that fathead.

Selig: Well we have to do something. What can we do to get rid of that piece of crap? Hmmm… what does he want? What will it take to make him leave? Wait a second – its so simple.

: What is?

Selig: All you have to do is offer him a contract and he'll leave. That’s the ticket.

Sabean: Maybe you don’t hear so well. I don’t want to offer Bonds a contract. I don’t want him back. That’s why I’ve been looking for a replacement for him.

Selig: Don’t worry. I know you don’t want him back. I just said offer him a contract. I didn’t say sign him. Just make him an offer close to what he made last year and say you’ll work out the details later in San Francisco. When it comes to the details just throw in a bunch of contract clauses that you know he’ll never agree too – such as a clause that says he gets nothing if he’s under an indictment.

Sabean: Yeah that would work and I could get a small measure of revenge on that prick. I could have a clause that says none of his entourage are allowed in the clubhouse or even on park grounds.

Selig: Heh, heh. You could toss in a clause that says he cannot refuse to pinch hit so he doesn’t embarrass the team like he did last year.

Sabean: Even better – I’ll toss in a clause that says that if he refuses to pinch run then he gets paid nothing. Heh , heh - I might even toss in a clause that requires him to dress up like the statue from Bob's Big Boy on picture day.

: So we have a deal?

Sabean: Yeah. I’ll offer him a one-year deal for $16 million right away. That should be enough to get his sorry ass on the next plane out of here. Then the real fun will start.

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