Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• To recap the government shutdown - President Trump signed an order to make sure the military still gets paid on time, Trump funds WIC from his tariffs to continue payments to women and children, and now thousands of government workers are getting permanently laid off. All because Chuck Schumer was afraid of getting primaried by AOC and other Democratic senators jumped off the bridge with him
• An insider opened an account 30 minutes prior to Trump’s tariff announcement on China and closed it shortly thereafter with ten of millions in profits. Who that insider was now becomes the biggest mystery in American politics and crypto
• President Trump may already be prepping a book called The Art of the Shutdown
• Emmanuel Macron’s approval rating has sunk to just 13% in France - pretty bad but that is still more than triple the approval rating of Chicago’s mayor
• Is it just me or does it seem that reports of fires in EV battery packs seem to have disappeared in the news?
• The bible says “you will know them by their fruits” - right now the Democrats fruits include Chuck Schumer in the Senate, socialist mayoral nominee Zohran Mamdani in NYC, and Virginia AG nominee Jay Jones who professed to wanting to kill children and cops. Yeah hope people get the picture
• Would have been funny if the NYT instead had bought Bari Weiss’ The Free Press to try and bring back fairness to that organization
• Senate hearings aren’t cornhole - unless you’re Adam Schiff - then everything is cornhole (NTTAWWT)
• Reportedly there’s about 12,500 employees at CBS News. Twitter got rid of over 70% of employees when Elon Musk took over and the product improved. Just saying
• As if the news about Mark Sanchez wasn’t shocking enough I had a dream that Baker Mayfield abruptly announced his retirement. I awoke having to pee. My brain tricked me again.
• Business idea: giant sombrero hats and mustaches for all those giant skeletons people put out for Halloween

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Where have you gone Quentin Ewers - a Longhorns nation turns their lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo
• Before the season when Penn State fans were saying “This is the year!” - I don’t think this is what they meant
• Am I a bad person for liking calling the government shutdown the “Schumer siesta” and the Democrats “Dollar Tree Obamas?”
• If they do expand March Madness to a 76-team field that just means that’s another day I won’t be watching. I already skip the “play in games.” Where will they put the extra games - the Home Shopping Network?
• YouTube has settled a suit brought by Donald Trump for $24.5 million. It would be amusing if Trump took this money as well as the millions from CBS, ABC, and others and invested it in Tesla. Imagine how many heads would explode
• It’s quiet out there - too quiet. Oh wait - that’s just because there’s a government shutdown
• AOC costs her Congressional District 250,000 jobs with Amazon - Chuck Schumer says “Hold my beer”
• Des Moines illegal alien superintendent registered to vote in Maryland and Adam Schiff lists Maryland as his principal residence - coincidence or crime wave?
• A Des Moines school superintendent was arrested by ICE and I didn’t know whether to say he was doing a job Americans wouldn’t do or if he was the ultimate DEI hire
• If I’m Amy Cohen Barrett I’d totally wear a handmaiden’s tale outfit for Halloween. Or, conversely, you could also wear a handmaiden’s tale outfit and go as Amy Cohen Barrett
• It was pointed out that Charlie Kirk was shot on a school campus so all the educators celebrating his death are actually cheering for a school shooter. Now I can’t get that thought out of my head
• Would be kind of funny if the Obama “foundation” defaulted on their deal to build the Obama Presidential Library on a 19.3 acre part of a Chicago park and stuck the city with the costs. Thanks Obama!

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Jimmy Kimmel's already dismal ratings are reportedly down 70% since he returned. We are quickly getting to "If Jimmy Kimmel blames Trump for nobody watching his show - does he make a sound?" territory.
• It’s being reported that a number of people at the DOJ and FBI are threatening to quit over the indictment of James Comey. To paraphrase a quote, “You have to let the deep state people threaten to quit so we know who the deep state people are”
• With all the recent political revelations the indictment of John Bolton has been overlooked. Then again he’s been an afterthought for some time now
• Corporate media: “We were lying to you all during Russiagate but you can trust us now - the prosecution of James Comey is political”
• Wizard of Oz: “Never mind those 274 plain clothes agents embedded in the crowd of peaceful citizens”
• Headline used to be “Ford to NYC: Drop Dead.” After this week's news the headline could easily be “Trump to NYC: Drop Dead”
• If you are a pregnant mom with severe TDS and are willing to put your child’s health at risk by defiantly taking Tylenol - you should take a long look in the mirror because I don’t know what to tell you
• Tim Walz wants to know if pregnant males can still take Tylenol
• The left turned its back on crime in the 1970's and it spawned some great film making. So where are our great movies coming from the last four years?
• Business idea: Re-release Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth but as a comedy with a laugh track over any predictions that never came close to coming true. It'd be a hit!
• Have the feeling the sarcastic phrase "Thanks Obama!" will make a comeback shortly

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

 Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Question that may keep you up nights: Did Brian Bosworth make more money from those Dr Pepper ads than he made playing football?
• If the Democrats wanted truth in advertising they should change the Party’s motto to “Tyranny, Rapacity, and Blood.” It’s what most of their positions boil down to
• Kamala Harris said Tim Walz wasn't her first choice as VP and she could have done better. So much for Tampon Tim being the manly-man choice
• One of my favorite Robert Redford movies was Three Days of the Condor directed by Sidney Pollack. Can't help but remember that uber lefty Sidney Pollock’s son-in-law was uber righty PJ O'Rourke
• I'm a big believer in projection so it occurs to me that the Biden Administration was so eager to go after those 92 conservative organizations targeting in Artic Frost for corruption because they knew leftist organizations were crooked and assumed the same was true of the opposition
• Even more than the appearance of Pumpkin Spice beer - the opening if NHL training camps is a sign the summer is over
• Josh Allen is great but Tom Brady had 24 wins against the Dolphins, 31 wins against the Jets, and was 33-3 against the Bills. Who's your daddy?
• If Jimmy Kimmel is really upset he should run for office and see how many people actually agree with his political diatribes. He won't though because he'd no longer be immune from criticism as his Democratic opponents would drag up all the instances he was protected because of his TDS
• Did things start to go off the rails for Big Pharma when the networks all started to cancel Saturday morning cartoons where they blissfully advertised sugar cereals and were creating generations of future clients? Big Pharma had to pivot to cable news instead.
• I have a strange sense of humor but am greatly amused by President Trump using the phase "kinetic strike" to describe blowing up drug boats out of Venezuela. Like a Jewish mom describing her son the truck driver as a "controller in the trucking industry"
• Found myself wondering where the phrase “Cheese it’s the cops!” came from. Then I was wondering if people ever actually said that. Then I found myself saying it every time I passed the cheese section of a grocery store

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• The Trump Administration announced they will be launching potential RICO charges against George Soros. When reached for comment Soros said, "Who's that trip-troping over my bridge?"
• Would be funny to have a betting website called Rick Kottite's Picks where "he" picks the worse possible sides and people make money fading him. You could also track national media picks to choose who is the modern Kottite.
• I’ve become like a old toddler who gets cranky if I’m hungry or tired and missed a nap
• Think in many ways this country was living in “BC” - Before the assassination of Charlie” and now we are living in “ADC” - After the Death of Charlie times.
• Thirsty Apostles would be a good name for a bar
• Think President Trump is right in that there may not be a need to outlaw pharma ads if they are just required to list every possible side effect in every ad. A 30 second ad becomes a full minute and people are disgusted by all the negative things the drug being pushed may do
• Bustle and Confusion would be a good name for a website or Substack account about what the corporate media got wrong the previous week in their haste or in their bias. There would be no lack of content for this forum
• Business idea: an app where a blockchain is assigned to a meme or a joke so that if someone tries to reuse it without attribution proof can be offered that it was taken without permission. In addition to the blockchain - a watermark could be applied to cement proof of ownership
• What are the chances that millions are donated for a Biden Presidential library but those in charge only came out with a bookmobile. The rest went to graft. That would be fitting in a way
• Business idea: if you called something the Navy Seal Hell-Week of Dildos it would be a big seller

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Feel bad for Florida Gators fans. What started out as a season of hope has turned into a disaster with their 18-16 loss to South Florida. Up next LSU. Don’t think coach Billy Napier survives the season
• Think a great strategy would be to call a Senate hearing for one of Trump's cabinet and just have Republican Senator's say "I think you're doing a great job and I yield my time to back to you so you can answer the question my Democratic colleague asked but didn't allow you to answer"
• Business idea: open a for-profit hospital and call it MAHA House of Healing and I think people would flock to it
• You can’t stop Alligator Alcatraz - you can only hope to contain it
• People always tend to remember Vince Lombardi as the Green Bay coach - not as the coach of the Redskins which is where he ended his career. Likewise with Bill Belichick. He'll always be the coach of the Patriots to many people and they’ll forget about UNC. Just saying
• Amused that President Trump is going to rename the Department of Defense back into the Department of War which it was called until after WW II. The War Industrial Complex has a lot more truth in advertising to it than the Defense Industrial Complex
• Question has to be asked but will we soon see "pirate radio" type ships in international waters broadcasting comedy bits into the UK?
• Seeing a number of articles painting RFK Jr. as anti-vax - doesn't that logically mean that the people who were fired or resigned from the CDC are pro-vax? That's the logical conclusion. Also don't say RFK Jr. is anti-science when some of the people who resigned publicly from the CDC state that men can get pregnant. Don't piss down my back and tell me its raining
• Celebrities and companies including Bluesky links is the modern equivalent of including preferred pronouns in your bio. It is looked at the same way as just useless performance art too
• We are not too far from going from joking about Mississippi’s education to joking about how bad Illinois’ is
• OK I'll ask it! Am I the only one wondering if Lisa Cook was a DEI hire?
• Would be amusing if Florida rearranged their election map and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was voted out of of office because her district was no longer gerrymandered
• Kind of amusing that the same corporate media that tried to sell you the fact that Joe Biden was "sharp as a tack" but was was a dementia riddled old man is now trying to sell you that Donald Trump might be sick and dying when in reality he's out playing golf with Jon Gruden.

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Show idea: clips from corporate media about President Trump's latest antics called Oh You Trump! where the president's latest words or acts are detailed either by him giving a speech or from a news clip - like cutting $4.9 billion in foreign aid or cancelling Kamala Harris's Secret Service protection detail then with some exasperated liberal putting his hands on his hips and saying "Oh you Trump!" You could do that over and over and that's the whole show
• Mark Cuban says that if he were owner of the Cowboys he never would have traded Micah Parsons
• Jerry Jones has likened the trade of Micah Parsons to the earlier Cowboys trade of Hershel Walker that helped build a dynasty in Dallas. Others have likened the trade to the one that brought Charles Haley to the Cowboys but in reverse as in Parsons may be the missing piece needed for a Green Bay championship. I think this was all brought about because of Jerry Jones’ ego and can’t shake the idea that pride goeth before a fall
• Would be amusing if Tim Walz accepted the Zoran Mamdani challenge and tried to bench press 135 pounds. Even funnier if he failed
• Well that didn’t take long. Cracker Barrel is going back to their old logo. Now we can go back to ignoring they exist
• It is pretty hard for the Democrats to complain that the Trump federalizing of the DC police force didn't work when there's been no murders since he did it. Unless they want to come out in favor of murder. I'm really curious to see if they do - they've gotten to that point.
• Would love if South Park did an episode including the Supreme Court and gave Ketanji Brown Jackson the Matt Damon treatment and just had her repeating, "I'm Ketanji Brown Jackson" over and over. Maybe even better just having her say, "Timmay!"

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Think good use of AI would be to cover the plays of Neil Simon as if written by William Shakespeare. How cool would it be to have a version of the Odd Couple in iambic pentameter. What would an “odd couple” be called in Elizabethan England?
• Think John Bolton's casting as a Deep State villain would be more perfect if he had an eyepatch. But perhaps that would be over the top? “Who does John Bolton work for?”
• Hope some state opens an Alligator Alcatraz of their own but leaves the naming of the facility up to the Internet. I'm looking forward to a Jaily McJailface
• Admit it that if the Cracker Barrel marketing team's goal was to get people talking about Crack Barrel then they succeeded. When's the last time Cracker Barrel entered your consciousness before this rebrand?
•  I might be in the minority that’s not upset about Cracker Barrel’s new logo. Then again I ate there once and would not eat there again, If Spirit Airlines were a restaurant...
• Bed Bath and Beyond says the chain will not open any stores in California because the state makes it impossible to do business there. Many Americans say "Wait Bed Bath and Beyond is still in business and trying to make a comeback?"
• Rumor is that if Lisa Cool resigns from the Federal Reserve the Democrats plan to try and name Adam Schiff as a replacement
• Amused by MSNBC being forced to change their name and them choosing MS Now. This is the worst branding I can remember since the diet pill AYDES came out in the middle of the Aids crisis
• It's interesting that a TikTok influencer known for doxxing ICE agents didn't know their locations when they came to arrest her. Kind of like a psychic getting arrested for fraud and not seeing it coming
• How soon before you start seeing the Gavin Newsom stickers saying “I did that” on gas pumps in California?

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.  

Some Memes You May Enjoy

Many a truth is said in jest.

- The more things change the more thy stay the same.

- Notice the difference?

- Education just means more in Texas

- First term vs second term.

Jokes from the Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Vladimir Putin says point blank that there would have no war in Ukraine if Donald Trump had been President. Putin, without saying it outright, clearly lays the blame on Joe Biden and the Democrats. People who put up Ukrainian flags in solidarity and voted Democrat last election hardest hit.
• For those keeping score - the Democrats have now come out as pro-crime, pro-illegal immigration, pro-Hamas, and pro-higher prices at the pump. When someone tells you who they are - believe them.
• Getting to the point where stand alone small AI that don't need to be connected to the outside world will be incorporated into most devices instead of IOT. This will be the latest attempt to fool proof devices but never underestimate the ingenuity of fools.
• Beyond Meat files for chapter 11 bankruptcy. I really hope someone has a headline for this story saying "Beyond Bankruptcy".
• The latest rumor is that California Governor Gavin Newsom may name Grima Wormtongue to preplace Adam Schiff.
• It's getting to the point that companies announcing investing less than $10 billion don't even make the news anymore because it's getting dwarfed by other investments in America. In the Bidenomics days that would have been huge news.
• There no doubt in my mind that Adam Schiff will be going to jail for his well documented wrongdoings. He doesn’t get how disposable he is to those he’d seek to serve. An interesting wrinkle would be if the Democrats vote to expel him from the party and California Governor Gavin Newsom moves to replace him with himself since Newsom may feel he has a much better chance of being elected Senator than President.
• Sad that Washington DC was better run when the mayor was on crack than it is under the present administration
• A good nickname for Donald Trump would be President Midas both because of his love of everything colored gold and because he’s dong such a great job with the economy he’s making all the working men and women rich
• Even though officially it’s the Honest Act you know everyone will think of it as the Pelosi Act. It’s also a genius trap - if you vote against the Pelosi Act that means you are for insider trading. I can almost see the campaign commercials now

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me. 

Jokes from the Past Week in News

Have to look at the humorous side of the news - else you might go crazy.

• Think an image of Donald Trump as Jesus Christ with his arms outstretched and a halo around his head could be the new Pepe the frog. People on the right could nod approvingly and say, "See that's what I'm talking about." People on the left could look at it and disgustedly say the same thing
• People upset that Tim Cook seems to have rolled over for Donald Trump should remember that Cook was also ultimately responsible for approving that bizarre iPhone cat lady ad. Who was that ad supposed to appeal to?
• Think a good idea for a video series would be to get the rights to all of the old In Search Of shows and to intersperse updated new information disproving most of what was being presented. You could call it In Search Of (Updated).
• Part of me wishes Micah Parsons or Trey Hendrickson files their retirement papers and says they will come out of retirement only if either the Cowboys or Bengals trade them to teams without dysfunctional owners
• If you lived in Alaska wouldn't you be in favor of global warming? Just saying.
• Think the current political situation can be summed up as the Democrats sticking with the phrase "stuck on stupid" while Donald Trump and the Republicans are in full FAFO mode
• In the not too distance future think people looking to move states will first asks, "How are the schools around here?" quickly followed by "Does your state have a DOGE/FAFO board?"
• Gentil reminder that some of the Democrats about to be investigated have no moral qualms with having people murdered. Just saying.
• When Elizabeth Warren says the people she knows want radical leftists running the country, I really hope she calls these people her tribe
• Nothing makes you feel older than realizing you are actually older than the Corporation for Public Broadcasting which was "born" in 1967 and is now appearing in the obituaries
• Learn something new every day: the movie The Big Lebowski was loosely based on the writings of Raymond Chandler. Never noticed that before or that Chandler had a rug that really tied things together.
• Any company that makes big green dildos is missing a huge opportunity if they immediately don't brand themselves as "the official dildo of the WNBA"

Jokes from the past week's news offerings. At least they were funny to me.