TV Tourettes

Most people are familiar with Tourettes Syndrome and it’s most well known symptom of uncontrolled cursing. Many times a person with Tourettes will just start swearing with no ability to control him or herself or what they are saying. There is another malady that is much less severe than Tourettes but more widespread. It is a sickness I call – TV Tourettes.

Many people have had their brains infected by their TV watching. What they see and hear sinks into their brains and consciously or unconsciously it surfaces seemingly beyond the ability of the sufferer to control it.

TV Tourettes is not life threatening but it can be very annoying. I am among the millions of people who suffer from TV Tourettes.

The other day I was driving with a friend. I passed a Plymouth Duster on the highway and suddenly I couldn’t help myself. I turned my head toward the car I just passed and yelled, “Hey – that thing got a hemi?” My friend (who also suffers from the sickness) simply answered, “Sweet!” It was then that I realized that I was a victim of TV Tourettes.

The first recorded case of TV Tourettes was back in the ‘50’s when a stranger with a broken wristwatch asked someone if they knew what time it was. The person - without thinking responded, “It’s Howdy Doodie time!” The person responding thought they were being funny but he was just a sick man without even knowing it.

TV Tourettes probably became an epidemic back in the late 70’s when Happy Days ruled the airways. People would do something they thought was good and then give a dual thumbs up signal while saying, “Heeeeyyyyy” - like the Fonz. It was everywhere.

Anyone can have TV Tourettes. The disease cuts across all age and ethnic groups. Grandmothers out for a night of Chippendale Dancers have been known to uncontrollably yell out “Where’s the beef?” Little kids have been known to say “We make holes in teeth” (from the Crest Cavity Creeps) to their parents while they eat candy bars. Middle-aged men have been known to blurt out for no reason, “As God as my witness – I thought turkeys could fly.” Jimmy Walker’s “Dyno-MITE!” and Re-Run’s “Hey hey hey” were heard just as often in the early 80’s in leafy suburbs as in inner cities.

The list of examples can go on and on.

Here is a short test to see if you may suffer from TV Tourettes:

· Have you ever used lines from Seinfeld instead of trying to think for yourself? Examples could be mentioning “shrinkage”, “man-hands”, “close-talkers”, “Jimmy legs” or the phrase “no soup for you!”

· Have you ever thought of food and had a Homer Simpson response of “Hmmmmm [insert name of food here]”?

· Have you ever used the Cartman from South Park phrase “Respect my author-it-EYE!” to try and get someone to follow your directions?

· Have you ever asked someone to “Kiss your grits” Flo from Alice style?

· Have you ever been in a car that ran over a small animal and responded by saying “You bastard! You killed Kenny”?

· Have you ever said to yourself or another “Make it so” as if you were Captain Jean-Luc Picard?

· Have you ever responded to a blatantly obvious statement with an Ed McMahon fake laugh and a “You are correct sir!”?

If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions – then you may have TV Tourettes. The Simpsons are normally a good gauge of the severity of your affliction. If you only occasionally use the Homeresque “D’oh!” then your case is probably mild. If you have ever been in trouble and uttered the phrase “Help me Jeebus” – then you have full-blown TV Tourettes.

It saddens me to report that very little is being done to study this illness but we can change that. I am asking you to send your hard earned cash to The Chris Lynch Study of TV Tourettes (please make checks payable to Chris Lynch or Cash). The first step in the study will be to get the proper equipment for my den - I mean lab. Money donated will go toward the purchase of a large screen plasma TV.