Everyone is caught up in filling out their brackets for the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament popularly known as March Madness. Exhibit A of the popularity of the tournament is Saddam Hussein, the evil dictator who is currently on trial for his life but who has still has found time to fill out his picks. A Large Regular was lucky enough to be granted an exclusive interview with the butcher of Baghdad.
ARL: Thank you for granting us this time. Many people would be surprised that you would be interested in American college basketball. How long have you been filling out brackets for the tournament?
SH: Oh for a long time. I heard that Richard Nixon used to do it and I wanted to prove that I was better than Nixon in picking winners plus I like the challenge. If this tournament was held in Iraq and my son Uday was alive - the number one seeds would be too scared to lose a game and filling out the brackets would be easy. It is more interesting this way.
ALR: I know our time is short - so why don't we get straight to the picks. Who do you like in the Atlanta bracket?
SH: I see George Washington being the only first round favorite to lose. GW is a bigger fraud than Gehard Schroeder. I can see Texas falling to West Virginia and Syracuse ending their improbable run against Duke with Duke beating the Mountaineers like out of town Kurds to move on to the final four. Let me say something about two of the coaches in this bracket. Jim Boeheim has made me rethink some of my methods. If Jim Boeheim was an Iraqi he long ago would have visited Qasr-al-Nihayyah (the Palace of the End) for ruining so many of my brackets over the years and his national championship never would have happened. I think a lot about that in prison. Let me also say that if I had to do it all over again - I think I would like to be an assistant coach at Duke. Mike Krzyzewski could have taught me a lot about how to be a successful dictator.
ALR: Well that was umm... interesting. What about the Oakland bracket?
SH: Indiana gets beat by San Diego and UCLA beats Belmont but does not cover in the first round. I think Pittsburgh will eventually beat Kansas but Memphis will not be able to beat either the Panthers or the Jayhawks. John Calipari - a curse be upon his mustache. Gonzaga may have the easiest route to the final four they ever had but like Memphis - they will not be able to beat either Pittsburgh or Kansas. And speaking about cursed mustaches - how about that Adam Morrison? He makes me think of Kiki Vandeweghe.
ALR: So you have Pittsburgh coming out of Oakland or maybe Kansas. What about the D.C. bracket?
SH: Seton Hall is my sleeper pick. I just like their initials. I see them playing UConn in the regional finals with the Huskies moving on to the final four.
ALR: And the Minneapolis bracket?
SH: I can see Georgetown beating the Ohio State University in the second round and Florida in the third round. Villanova will beat Boston College in the third round and beat Georgetown in the regional finals.
ALR: So you have Villanova, UConn, Pittsburgh and Duke making the final four. Who did you pick to win it all?
SH: I think UConn is the deepest team and they should win it all but if Villanova beats UConn - then they take home the championship. But my money is on UConn. Not even an evil dictator like myself can root for Duke. I just hope I'm still alive to see the final game.
ALR: Well I never thought I'd agree with you on anything but I have to agree with you on UConn and Villanova but to be honest - as far as I'm concerned you can't die quick enough or painfully enough. I'm hoping your last meal is a box of razor blades.
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