Rodney Dangerfield

Today would have been Rodney Dangerfield's 95th birthday. Some of my favorite Dangerfield one-liners.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"