Bring Out Your Politically Dead

A limousine passes through the Main Street of a campaign stop town.

A baby cries. People hold up signs with badly misspelled words and giant paper mache heads. A woman beats a cat.

Karl Rove yells out the back window of the limousine as it slowly rolls along:

Rove: Bring out your politically dead!

Rove: Bring out your politically dead!

Rove: Bring out your politically dead!

John Edwards comes out of a campaign bus with a dead-looking man with a $500 Christophe haircut. He starts to put the dead-looking man into the trunk of the limo.

Edwards: Here's one-

Rove: That'll be 270 electoral votes.

Dead-looking man who turns out to be John Kerry: (feebly) I'm not politically dead!

Rove: (surprised) What?

Edwards: Nothing! Here's your 270 electoral votes....

Kerry: I'm not politically dead!

Rove: Hey! He says he's not politically dead!

Edwards: Yes he is.

Kerry: I'm not!

Rove: He isn't technically politically dead. There's still two months to go.

Edwards: Well if he isn't technically dead right now... he will be soon-- he's very poorly advised and pretty prone to saying stupid things... I mean he hasn't been able to do an interview with the press since August 1st...

Kerry: I'm getting better! I got John Sasso.

Edwards: No you're not getting better. You'll be Walter Mondale in a moment.

Rove: I can't take him like this! It's against regulations!

Kerry: I don't want to go in the trunk of the limo. I don't want to be a Dukakis....

Edwards: Oh, don't be such a baby.

Rove: I can't take him....

Kerry: I feel fine! I think I'll go parasailing....

Edwards: Well, do us a favor will ya? I don't want to be a Ferraro or a Bensen. He's gonna make me into a Stockdale for Christ's sake...

Rove: I can't!

Edwards: Can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long...

Rove: No, gotta get to Nader's.

Edwards: Well, when's your next round?

Rove: Not till November 3rd.

Kerry: I think I'll go for a ski....

Edwards: You're not fooling anyone, you know-- (to Rove) Look, isn't there something you can do...?

(they both look around)

Kerry: I feel happy! I feel happy!

(Rove hits Kerry in the head with a big file labeled Senate record, then with a big file labeled medical records, and finally with a hard cover copy of Unfit for Command. Kerry goes limp.)

Edwards: (throwing Kerry into the trunk of the limo) Ah. Thanks very much.

Rove: Not at all. See you on November 3rd!

Edwards: Right! All right....

President Bush and his trusty Dick Cheney walk past the limo.

Edwards: Who's that then?

Rove: Must be a Republican.

Edwards: Why do you say that? How can you tell?

Rove: Because he hasn't got shit all over him.

(Special thanks to Mike Diamond)