Outside the Lines - the Curse of Regis

Hello, I’m Bob Lee and welcome to Outside the Lines. Tonight we will investigate if there is any truth to the story that the failure of Notre Dame to win a National Championship in football since 1988 is due to Regis Philbin.

Joining us in studio tonight are Regis Philbin, Dan Shaughnessy who is the author of the book – The Curse of the Bambino and Satan.

First – Regis what do you say about the talk that the failure of Notre Dame to win a National Championship is somehow connected to you?

Regis: Hey Bob. Glad to be here but let’s get one thing straight - nobody loves Notre Dame more than me. Nobody. I think in this business people say things out of petty jealousy and this is just an example of that petty jealousy at work.

In studio we have an expert on curses, Dan Shaughnessy – who of course wrote the book – The Curse of the Bambino. Dan what do you think about this supposed curse?

Dan Shaughnessy: I don’t like it Bob. No I don’t like it one little bit. When I wrote The Curse of the Bambino I never expected that was all I would ever be known for. Whenever I’m introduced it’s always as the author of The Curse of the Bambino. I had planned to do a whole series of “Curse” books – kinda like those Chicken Soup books. Now people are stealing my shtick with the Curse of the Goat and now the Curse of Regis? No I don’t like it one little bit.

Well …….OK. One of our more frequent guests has been Satan. Curses would seem to be a subject you would be expert on. Satan – what do you think of the Curse of Regis?

Satan: Thanks for having me on again Bob – always a pleasure. I know for a fact that the Curse of Regis is real because I arranged it. The first thing you have to understand is that fame is a zero sum proposition. When somebody is up – somebody has to be down. Regis was a little down when Notre Dame last won the National Championship and it was eating at Démon d'énorme moi. He came to me and asked for this deal.

Regis: This is crazy talk.

I’m sorry Satan – please continue. What was the deal and why do you refer to Regis as Démon d'énorme moi? That almost sounds French.

Satan: That is French. The official language of Hell is French. Démon d'énorme moi is Regis’ name in hell – it means the Demon of Enormous Ego. He was a demon in hell long before he was an actor or celebrity – come to think of it – that’s true of most TV stars and celebrities. Well anyway – Regis came to me and said he wanted to be very famous but I told him the cost of his fame would be the success of Notre Dame’s football program. Remember it’s a zero sum – if Regis is up somebody had to be down and that somebody in this case was the Fighting Irish football. Regis agreed to the deal in seconds.

Well it does make sense in that 1988 was the last National Championship and in 1989 Regis got famous with his morning show with Kathy Lee.

Regis: Purely coincidence Bob. I love Notre Dame. Everyone knows I love Notre Dame.

Dan Shaughnessy: I’m an excellent driver.

Satan: Oh and I guess it’s just another coincidence that when you got ultra famous with Who Wants to Be a Millionare – your co-host Kathy Lee just faded off into the distance. Bob – remember what I said about zero sum? This time the little demon asked for more fame at the expense of Frank Gifford’s wife. I actually had no problem with that trade-off.

Regis: Just a coincidence. I love Kathy Lee.

Well I find that hard to believe. It’s common knowledge that you hate Kathy Lee.

Dan Shaughnessy: I hate the Red Sox.

Satan: Bob you should ask him about those promotional commercials that Regis did for Notre Dame. You know the ones that air during their televised football games? It’s all about Regis – not Notre Dame. Not a single shot of the campus or the football team – just Regis talking to a camera. You talk about your enormous ego – could anything be plainer? That’s his idea of a joke because he knows that he is responsible for them being down. The first step for Notre Dame making it back to the big time would be to get rid of those commercials.

Regis: Never! You will all wear my clothing fashions in hell. Holy Blood!

Dan Shaughnessy: Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Well I guess that clears this question up. Join us tomorrow night when Outside the Lines examines the question of whether throwing a hot dog down a hallway should be an Olympic event.