A Response to Michael Moore's Open Letter

Yesterday Michael Moore posed an open letter on his website - today I'm posting a response to that letter on mine.

9/20/04

Dear Friends,

First off I'm not your friend, I'm not your pal, I'm not your bud. You are nothing but but a parasite to me. Bloated on the misfortunes of others - whether that be people losing their jobs at an auto plant, children being murdered at their school or 3,000 Americans dying on a single day.

Enough of the handwringing! Enough of the doomsaying! Do I have to come there and personally calm you down? Stop with all the defeatism, OK? Bush IS a goner -- IF we all just quit our whining and bellyaching and stop shaking like a bunch of nervous ninnies.

"Nervous ninnies"? "Come down there and personally calm you?" You mean enable a state of relaxed being? Maybe you can hold people's hands and think happy thoughts?

Geez, this is embarrassing! The Republicans are laughing at us. Do you ever see them cry, "Oh, it's all over! We are finished! Bush can't win! Waaaaaa!"

Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye.

Hell no. It's never over for them until the last ballot is shredded. They are never finished -- they just keeping moving forward like sharks that never sleep, always pushing, pulling, kicking, blocking, lying.

Unlike Mr. Moore who needs 12 hours of sleep per day because of his "metabolism".

They are relentless and that is why we secretly admire them -- they just simply never, ever give up.

God - I admire you! What sort of name is Poon?

Only 30% of the country calls itself "Republican," yet the Republicans own it all -- the White House, both houses of Congress, the Supreme Court and the majority of the governorships. How do you think they've been able to pull that off considering they are a minority?

Maybe because they have put actual electable candidates up for office and they have allowed the voters to choose?

It's because they eat you and me and every other liberal for breakfast and then spend the rest of the day wreaking havoc on the planet.

The new Republican slogan "We eat shits like Michael Moore for Breakfast!" (Cue Happy Gilmore - "You eat shit for breakfast?")

Look at us -- what a bunch of crybabies. Bush gets a bounce after his convention and you would have thought the Germans had run through Poland again. The Bushies are coming, the Bushies are coming!

Here's the required not so veiled reference to Bush / Hitler. Personally I think the more apt Nazi metaphor to describe the Left of Michael Moore would have been Munich. "Peace in our time" sound familiar there Mr. Chamberlain - I mean Mr. Moore?

Yes, they caught Kerry asleep on the Swift Boat thing.

I think where they actually caught Kerry was in Cambodia or more specifically not in Cambodia.

Yes, they found the frequency in Dan Rather and ran with it.

The Republicans didn't find anything here. It was the fake memos that found their way to CBS and the DNC. Of course the DNC and CBS would have nothing to do with fraudulent memos so of course this story went nowhere. What? You're kidding! Boy they really are stupid aren't they!

Suddenly it's like, "THE END IS NEAR! THE SKY IS FALLING!"

At this point of composing the open letter - Mike Moore thought - "sky is falling = chicken little" - "chicken little = marshmallow peeps". Mr. Moore then interrupted his typing to get a dozen yellow peeps and a dozen pink peeps which were promptly washed down with a Diet Coke.

No, it is not. If I hear one more person tell me how lousy a candidate Kerry is and how he can't win...

John Kerry is a lousy candidate and he can't win!

Dammit, of COURSE he's a lousy candidate -- he's a Democrat, for heavens sake!

Democrats like Harry Truman weren't lousy candidates.

That party is so pathetic, they even lose the elections they win!

Oh I get it - selected not elected - right? Yeesh.

What were you expecting, Bruce Springsteen heading up the ticket? Bruce would make a helluva president, but guys like him don't run -- and neither do you or I. People like Kerry run.

Actually Bruce has been known to run and to lift weights. Kerry sometimes runs, sometimes skis and sometimes rides his bike. You however don't run and don't exercise. The least you could do is mix in a salad once and a while.

Yes, OF COURSE any of us would have run a better, smarter, kick-ass campaign.

At this point - I think this goes without saying. Seriously - Michael Jackson has better polling numbers.

Of course we would have smacked each and every one of those phony swifty boaty bastards down.

I would give every dollar I own to have to have you locked in a room with any random member of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

But WE are not running for president -- Kerry is. So quit complaining and work with what we have.

What do you have? What does Kerry stand for? Seriously.

Oprah just gave 300 women a... Pontiac! Did you see any of them frowning and moaning and screaming, "Oh God, NOT a friggin' Pontiac!" Of course not, they were happy. The Pontiacs all had four wheels, an engine and a gas pedal. You want more than that, well, I can't help you. I had a Pontiac once and it lasted a good year. And it was a VERY good year.

I can see him taking a swipe at Oprah because she successfully diets but why the swipe at Pontiac?

My friends, it is time for a reality check.

What would you know about reality?

1. The polls are wrong. They are all over the map like diarrhea. On Friday, one poll had Bush 13 points ahead -- and another poll had them both tied. There are three reasons why the polls are b.s.: One, they are polling "likely voters." "Likely" means those who have consistently voted in the past few elections. So that cuts out young people who are voting for the first time and a ton of non-voters who are definitely going to vote in THIS election. Second, they are not polling people who use their cell phone as their primary phone. Again, that means they are not talking to young people. Finally, most of the polls are weighted with too many Republicans, as pollster John Zogby revealed last week. You are being snookered if you believe any of these polls.

First off "all over the map like diarrhea?" I don't even want to think about what caused him to think of that. Second Mike Moore must believe that you CAN fool some of the people ALL of the time.

2. Kerry has brought in the Clinton A-team. Instead of shunning Clinton (as Gore did), Kerry has decided to not make that mistake.

The A-Team? I pity the fool!

3. Traveling around the country, as I've been doing, I gotta tell ya, there is a hell of a lot of unrest out there. Much of it is not being captured by the mainstream press. But it is simmering and it is real. Do not let those well-produced Bush rallies of angry white people scare you. Turn off the TV! (Except Jon Stewart and Bill Moyers -- everything else is just a sugar-coated lie).

First off Mike Moore doesn't note that the country he's been traveling around in is actually France and secondly - yeah be sure to get all your news from Jon Stewart. Oh - also be sure to call the person interviewing you for that job "Biach". They love it when you do that.

4. Conventional wisdom says if the election is decided on "9/11" (the fear of terrorism), Bush wins. But if it is decided on the job we are doing in Iraq, then Bush loses. And folks, that "job," you might have noticed, has descended into the third level of a hell we used to call Vietnam. There is no way out. It is a full-blown mess of a quagmire and the body bags will sadly only mount higher. Regardless of what Kerry meant by his original war vote, he ain't the one who sent those kids to their deaths -- and Mr. and Mrs. Middle America knows it. Had Bush bothered to show up when he was in the "service" he might have somewhat of a clue as to how to recognize an immoral war that cannot be "won." All he has delivered to Iraq was that plasticized turkey last Thanksgiving. It is this failure of monumental proportions that is going to cook his goose come this November.

Yeah yeah - Quagmire. How about if we let the citizen soldiers who have served in Iraq decide the election? Would that be OK with you?

So, do not despair. All is not over. Far from it. The Bush people need you to believe that it is over. They need you to slump back into your easy chair and feel that sick pain in your gut as you contemplate another four years of George W. Bush. They need you to wish we had a candidate who didn't windsurf and who was just as smart as we were when WE knew Bush was lying about WMD and Saddam planning 9/11. It's like Karl Rove is hypnotizing you -- "Kerry voted for the war...Kerry voted for the war...Kerrrrrryyy vooootted fooooor theeee warrrrrrrrrr..."

Mike that sick pain in your stomach is from those 12 tacos. Mix in a salad already!

Yes...Yes...Yesssss....He did! HE DID! No sense in fighting now...what I need is sleep...sleeep...sleeeeeeppppp...

Opps - there's that "metabolism" again.

WAKE UP! The majority are with us! More than half of all Americans are pro-choice, want stronger environmental laws, are appalled that assault weapons are back on the street -- and 54% now believe the war is wrong. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO CONVINCE THEM OF ANY OF THIS -- YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE THEM A RAY OF HOPE AND A RIDE TO THE POLLS. CAN YOU DO THAT? WILL YOU DO THAT?

Wait - didn't you just tell everyone not to believe in polls just a second ago? Because if we are going to believe in polls - I'd like to go back to that poll that has Bush up by 13 points.

Just for me, please? Buck up. The country is almost back in our hands. Not another negative word until Nov. 3rd! Then you can bitch all you want about how you wish Kerry was still that long-haired kid who once had the courage to stand up for something. Personally, I think that kid is still inside him. Instead of the wailing and gnashing of your teeth, why not hold out a hand to him and help the inner soldier/protester come out and defeat the forces of evil we now so desperately face. Do we have any other choice?

Yeah - "Vote for the inner kid" - there's a winner of a slogan for you.

Yours,

Michael Moore
www.michaelmoore.com
mmflint@aol.com

Up yours Mike - Chris Lynch - A Large Regular