East Boston Bound and Down

The recent Chris Jones profile of Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon has generated a lot of buzz due mainly to Papelbon's labeling of ex-teammate Manny Ramirez as a "cancer". When it's all said and done though - I hope someone explains to Papelbon that the real joke was on him.

Lost in all the hoopla of the cancer quote is the underlying inferences from the article that Jonathan Papelbon is just not a very bright person. Chris Jones was just one "You are fucking out!" quote away from not so subtly painting Papelbon as a real life Kenny Powers.

Just look at some of the words and phrases that Jones used to describe Papelbon; "trademark histrionics...the character in a comic book...a few days left to summon the rage." Jones writes about Paelbon's wife Ashley needing to "be safely removed" to another car while the couple drives to Spring Training - a drive that has Papelbon cranking his stereo to 11 and screaming out the window. Again - all Jones had to add was that Papelbon was screaming "You are fucking out!" and it would have been a spot-on profile of the fictional Kenny Powers.

Jones tosses out Curt Schilling's assessment that Papelbon was "not exactly a charter member of Mensa" only to refute that Palebon isn't stupid (wink, wink) - he just "says all the dumb things most of us probably think but keep back." How Kenny Poweresque of him.

In the infamous Manny Ramirez section Jones goes out of the way to note that the quotes are UNEDITED as if to say - can you believe what the yokel is actually saying?

"The beautiful thing about our team is, we don’t let anybody get above the team. He wasn’t on the same train as the rest of us." And here Papelbon starts banging his kitchen table for emphasis, the punctuation marks in his sentences changing: "He was on a different train! And you saw what happened with that. We got rid of him, and we moved on without him. That comes from the manager, and it comes from guys like Jason Varitek and Tim Wakefield and David Ortiz. Nobody is ever going to be allowed to do that. Even a guy like me, just heading into my fourth year in the big leagues — if David Ortiz gets a little, you know — I’ll tell him what’s up! I’m not afraid to do that. I’m not afraid to put him in his place, because I think everybody needs that. And if somebody does it to me, I understand that. I most certainly understand that. Varitek tells me all the time, 'Just shut up. Do what you’re supposed to do.'"

Not on the same train? What sort of metaphor is that? I'm guessing Papelbon in the past probably heard the phrase "operating on a different plane" and misunderstood what was said or meant. And why is the Captain of the team always telling you to just shut up? Is it because of moronic utterances that makes one cry "enough!"?

The not so subtle digs are everywhere. Papelbon's handwriting is a "frantic scrawl", he has multiple garages and loads of hunting gear. Papelbon may read the profile and think it was complementary but others will look at it as him being painted as the stereotypical dumb redneck. As one astute observer noted, Papelbon was just one well placed question away from maybe being the next John Rocker. I prefer to look at it as being just one "You are fucking out!" quote away from being the real life Kenny Powers.