Saturday, December 31, 2005

Speaking of Drinking - Five Historical Figures I'd Like to Go Drinking With

In no particular order:

- Ernest Hemingway
- Harry Truman
- Mark Twain
- Humphrey Bogart
- Joseph Campbell

Just missing the cut - Sinatra, George Washington, Ben Franklin, Ted Williams, Gary Cooper, Charles Dickens, James Joyce, US Grant
33 Years of Sobriety and Counting

33 years ago today - writer Pete Hamill quit drinking. Hammill was 37-years old at the time. (Talk about serendipity - right now the Bare Naked Ladies are playing Alcohol on my MP3 player as I write this.) One of my resolutions for 2006 is to read Hamill's A Drinking Life and Why Sinatra Matters. As for me and my drinking - as the Bare Naked Ladies would put it "I'm still willing to walk the line between self control and self abuse."

Happy New Year

Tonight is the last chance to do something you'll regret in 2005.

Have a fun, safe New Years Eve.
JT Snow to Red Sox?

It has been reported that JT Snow is close to signing with the Boston Red Sox. I like this move. I have long advocated the signing of a left-handed hitting, lower cost first baseman to compliment the right-handed Kevin Youkilis.

Youkilis has been patient and it is now his turn to be an everyday starter in the big leagues. The Red Sox front office seems to agree. If Youkilis plays 134 games like Kevin Millar did last year - I'd look for him to seriously upgrade on Millar's 9 HR and .754 OPS. I hope Snow will be OK with just the range of about the 173 at bats that John Olerud got last year. If Snow signs - then as far as I'm concerned - first base is all set for 2006.

If Snow (and his career .826 OPS against righties) doesn't sign - then I'd look for the Red Sox to trade for either Hee-Seop Choi (career .808 OPS vs. righties) or Carlos Pena (career .811 OPS vs righties).

Just a couple of miscellaneous thoughts to throw in:

- Kevin Millar was the worst fielding first baseman I've seen in my life. Every ball hit on the ground to the right side of the infield pulled him out of position. Every ball. And every throw to him that wasn't in plenty of time and chest high was an adventure with Millar. Kevin Youkilis will be a HUGE upgrade over Millar defensively.

- Signing Snow will not cost much other than money (he's a type B free agent). Trading for either Choi or Pena will cost some minor league talent. Pena and Choi are both much younger than Snow and could blossom into pretty good HR hitters. My first choice was Pena to be 100% upfront. I just think Pena would rake the ball at Fenway (he has in the past - .925 OPS in 11 games at Fenway). Plus Pena went to college in Boston at Northeastern and he's Dominican (which should help keeping Manny and David Ortiz happy - I know this is a strange thing to consider a positive but I'm being 100% upfront).

- Both Carlos Pena and Hee-Seop Choi are available because they are buried on the depth charts of the Tigers and Dodgers respectively.
The "That-Guy" Celebrity Triple Crown is Complete

We had the passing of Fred the Baker.

Vincent Schiavelli (who I'll always remember as the biology teacher from Fast Times at Ridgemont High who had a smoking hot wife).

And now my boy Blue.

Abe Vigoda still lives and breathes.

In the distance a dog barks.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Heh Heh

When movies crossover with video games - another Something Awful Photoshop Phriday
If I Were On Saddam's Defense Team

If I were on Saddam's defense team I would say Saddam Hussein is guilty of everything he's being charged with but that my client was not Saddam Hussein. I would say that my client was just an unlucky Hussein "body double" who has been mistaken for Hussein. I would force the jury to watch the movies Dave and Moon Over Parador as proof that my defense is plausible and to raise a reasonable doubt.

Then when the jury finds my client guilty - I'd cash my check (making the jury watch those movies would help with my hourly rate) and I'd get a nice big steak.
Miguel Tejada Should Just Shut Up

Once again Miguel Tejada has said he wants to be traded because he doesn't see a commitment to winning from the Orioles.
"If the Orioles don't do anything, I want them to trade me because I am tired of losing," Tejada said before a winter league game.
Miguel Tejada should drink a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up.

Tejada took the money and ran when he signed a 6-year $72 million contract. In doing so he also went from the perennial playoff A's to the moribund Orioles. Tejada could have chosen a team with a better track record of getting to the playoffs but instead he chose the highest bidder. He had his chance and he blew it. Now he should just STFU.

Tejada also danced around Rafael Palmeiro's steroids pseudo-allegation that Tejada does steroids and that some of Tejada's steroids magically got into a B12 shot Tejada gave to Palmeiro.
"Everyone knows that vitamin B-12 doesn't do anything bad," Tejada said. "I am not upset with Palmeiro, but enough speaking about that already," he said.
Yes people know that B12 is harmless but people don't think you were using performance enhancing B12 shots you blockhead. And yes - wouldn't it be convenient for you if nobody asked questions about Palmeiro and B12 shots. Trade talk would take the spotlight off that wouldn't it? Many teams and house organ papers like the Boston Globe or Chicago Tribune would be sure to walk carefully around that minefield if there was a chance Tejada would be traded to the Red Sox or Cubs. Maybe Tejada is being crazy like a fox here?
Arroyo vs. Fogg

I must say that I find Bronson Arroyo to be a tad over-rated. And last year I think his on-field performance was hurt by his being distracted by his music. Let's compare the soon to be 29 Arroyo to another pitcher - Josh Fogg free agent, 29 years old, formerly of the Pirates and originally of Lynn, Mass (Lynn, Lynn - the city of sin - you never come out the way you went in):

Arroyo 33-33 / 4.59 ERA / 1.36 WHIP / .267 BAA / 588.1 IP
Fogg - 39-42 / 4.74 ERA / 1.43 WHIP / .282 BAA / 697.1 IP

Arroyo's numbers do look superior to Fogg but you have to take into account that Fogg was piling up those numbers with pretty crappy Pirates teams while most of Arroyo's numbers came with one of the most winning clubs in baseball. I should also note that some of Arroyo's numbers are skewered by his 2003 debut with Boston where he worked out of the bullpen only. If you take away those innings - then Arroyo's ERA goes to 4.66 (his WHIP and BAA also go up).

Why would the Red Sox want a Pirates castoff like Fogg? Well remember that Arroyo was also a Pirates castoff (Red Sox picked him off waivers). If Arroyo could get you a Jeremy Reed or a Brad Wilkerson in a trade - I say do it right now and sign Fogg to take Arroyo's spot on the pitching staff.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

1999 NFL Draft

The rumors that because of salary cap considerations this may be Edgerin James' last season with the Colts made me take a look back on the draft that brought James to Indianapolis. Here were the top 10 picks from that draft:

1 Cleveland Tim Couch QB Kentucky
2 Philadelphia Donovan McNabb QB Syracuse
3 Cincinnati Akili Smith QB Oregon
4 Indianapolis Edgerrin James RB Miami
5 New Orleans Ricky Williams RB Texas
6 St. Louis Torry Holt WR North Carolina State
7 Washington Champ Bailey CB Georgia
8 Arizona David Boston WR Ohio State
9 Detroit Chris Claiborne OLB Southern California
10 Baltimore Chris McAlister CB Arizona

Of the top 10 - only four are still with their original teams (McNabb, James, Holt and McAlister) and three were plain busts (Couch, Smith and Clairborne). Funny to look back at that draft. The fans in Philly booed the choice of McNabb over Ricky Williams and a number of eyebrows were raised when the Colts picked James over Williams as well. How bad do you think the fans in Cleveland wish they could do this draft over?
Mojo Jojo to Buy Washington Nationals

In a surprise announcement, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball today announced that the winning bid for the Washington Nationals was submitted by monkey evil genius Mojo Jojo who received degrees in astrophysics and hyperbolic topography from Stanford. Jojo made his fortune in weapons manufacturing and organic potato chips. A Large Regular has been lucky enough to be the first with a for the record interview of the new owner of the Nationals.

ALR: First, congratulations on being the winning bid. What made you want to buy the Nationals?

Mojo Jojo: I say thank you to A Large Regular for the question. Mojo Jojo says thank you for the question. Owning a baseball franchise has always been a goal of mine. Well my goals used to be to destroy the Powerpuff Girls, crush Townsville, and conquer the world, in that order. But now my goals are to win the World Series, world domination and then outlawing any reference to rally monkeys although dynamite monkeys are OK - in fact new name of the team may be the Washington Dynamite Monkeys. Do not taunt the Dynamite Monkeys. Bwwhahahahah...

ALR: How did you like working with Bud Selig on this transaction.

Mojo Jojo: Bud Selig is evil but not genius. Bud Selig has small brain not gigantic brain like Mojo Jojo. Bud Selig no match for Mojo Jojo.

ALR: Do you have any plans for the team?

Mojo Jojo: Yes - Mojo Jojo plans to name Dr. Zaius as team doctor and I will be replacing Frank Robinson with Whitey Herzog. Jim Bowden will be reassigned as Mojo Jojo's footstool. Mojo Jojo will act as own General Manager and will not make dumb mistakes like trading for All-Star second baseman when I already got one. Trading for second baseman when I already got one is redundant and Mojo Jojo is never redundant.

ALR: When Arturo Moreno bought the Anaheim Angels - one of his first moves was to lower beer prices. Do you have any similar plans?

Mojo Jojo: Plans - yes! Plans - yes! Ticket prices to be reduced except for little girls who will now be charged $1 million to get into the park. No mimes will be allowed in the park. No mimes.

ALR: One of the biggest issues facing baseball today is steroids. What are your views on performance enhancing drugs and chemicals?

Mojo Jojo: No comment. No comment.

ALR: What about a new stadium? Have you given any thought to that?

Mojo Jojo: New stadium? New stadium? Mojo Jojo thinks of everything. There will be a new dome stadium for Washington. A new dome stadium. The dome will be best for my mind control rays... ummm... I mean indoor advertising. Yes indoor advertising that will control the minds of everyone who goes to the dome stadium.

ALR: Is buying the Nationals another of your ill-conceived schemes at world domination like the time you turned everyone in Townsville into a dog.

Mojo Jojo: I do this because I am bad, I am evil, I am Mojo Jojo.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Baseball Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous baseball thoughts and observations.

I was surprised that both catcher Johnny Estrada and 2nd baseman Orlando Hudson are 28-years old. For some reason I thought both players were younger than that... The Red Sox front office has been taking a lot of heat but I think they acted correctly in their dealing with Johnny Damon and not signing Kevin Millwood. However, I think the biggest failing of the Red Sox front office was in not trading David Wells to the Diamondbacks for Javier Vazquez who wanted to be traded to an East Coast team but ended up in Chicago instead. Wells is every bit the equal to Orlando Hernandez and their contracts are also comparable. Chicago wound up sending outfielder flotsam Chris Young and reliever Luis Vizcaino but Arizona had to kick in $4 million to even off the trade. With the Red Sox the Diamondbacks could have kept the $4 million and the Red Sox could have included a jetsam prospect equal to Young. I know Wells has a history with Arizona but what gets me is the fact that so much has been leaked this offseason - why couldn't someone leak whether Wells was offered to Arizona? That would have satisfied me and allowed me more comfort in thinking the front office is on the ball and not in disarray as has been reported... Tossing a trade idea out there - how about Wells to the Padres (where he wants to go) in exchange for Dave Roberts and 1st base prospect Adrian Gonzalez. The Red Sox then flip Gonzalez to the A's for lefty Joe Kennedy. The Sox would get the CF/4th OF and 4/5th starter they need, the Padres would get a 15 game winner and the A's would get a top prospect at 1st and save $2 million in payroll. Kennedy is too good to be a late innings lefty and right now the A's have Nick Swisher at 1st when he should be in the outfield (is Mark Kotsay on the block?). Dan Johnson seems more of a DH than a slick fielding 1st baseman so Gonzalez would be a welcome addition to the A's... Supposedly the Orioles are close to signing Jeromy (not Jeremy) Burnitz. If the numbers I've heard (2-years $12 million) are correct then this is a move that makes me laugh and will make Orioles fans cry. I've always been partial to Burnitz (I don't know why - but I'm not so sure if I'd still be partial to him if he played for the Red Sox). I'm glad he's getting a big payday and I'm glad he's signing with the Orioles because this should shut down the Manny for Tejada trade rumors. The Orioles aren't going to pay Burnitz $6 million and Manny $17 million. Plus Burnitz at 37 is past patrolling CF - so a Manny for Tejada trade makes no sense. Why would the Orioles make this move? Why do the Orioles do anything? The smart move would have been arbitration with Eric Byrnes instead but hey - that's the Orioles for you...
Rafael Palmeiro - Still an Idiot

Finger wagging, steroid taking, Rafael Palmeiro is still an idiot. Check out what he's still saying about his positive steroids test:
"I wish I could pinpoint exactly what happened," Palmeiro told the newspaper [New York Times] in his first public comments since last season ended. "I would think it was the B-12. I'm not certain of that; I can't prove it."
Throwing Miguel Tejada (who gave him the "B12 shot") under the bus while your at it - nice touch. Palmeiro must think we're idiots. Sure players go to other players for "vitamin" injections all the time. If Tejada's "B12 shots" were tainted - how come Tejada didn't test positive as well? (BTW - I think Tejada is a steroids guy too and that is why I wouldn't touch him or his contract if I were the Red Sox.)

This was the topper for me:
"I'm going to take the responsibility, me being careless and taking something I wasn't knowing if it was clean, having full trust in what I was getting. It was careless, stupid, naive of me to think it was safe."
NO YOU ARE NOT TAKING RESPONISBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. You are still trying to hide under the covers of a "tainted B12 shot" defense. It makes me sick that if Palmeiro wasn't caught he would have made the Hall of Fame while a player like Jim Rice who did things the right way still don't garner enough votes.
Players Staking Players - A Poker Ethics Dilemma

Interesting column by Steve Rosenbloom. Some poker players pay the entrance fees for other players and share the winnings. This has been going on forever but now it seems to becoming an issue. I had long thought of the issue similar to Barry Greenstein who doesn't stake players:
"If they can't make enough money playing poker to be able to have the buy-in, I just assume they're a losing player,'' Greenstein says. "Why would I want to stake them? "
Now I'm not so sure. Poker is supposed to be an individual game not a team sport. I don't think a NASCAR approach would be right for poker. Barry Greenstein's solution to the problem would be to convene a panel at each tournament to rule on potential improprieties.
"I saw years ago an incredible hand where the flop came Q-9-9 and it went check to the river,'' Greenstein says. "On the river, one guy bet $100 and the other guy called. One hand was queens full and the other was four 9s, and each of those guys had a piece of each other and they didn't want to knock each other out. That should be penalized."

"If we have a panel to judge those things, we can rule on those things. People who don't play ethically get penalized and potentially barred."
In Heaven - the Donuts Have No Calories

Sad news - Michael Vale who played Fred the Baker ("Time to make the donuts") in Dunkin Donuts ads for over a decade has passed away.
Red Sox Who Fought the Law

The Jeff Reardon situation got me thinking about other Red Sox players who had "issues" with the law. I'll put the name and you can match them to their infraction. I'll post the answers later in the comments.

1. Jeff Reardon
2. Dick Drago
3. David Ortiz
4. Oil Can Boyd
5. Butch Hobson

A: At one point one of the Ten Most Wanted Dead-beat Dads in the country
B: Accused of robbing a jewelry store in Florida
C: Liked to have cocaine overnighted to his hotel room
D: Accused of participating in a calling card fraud scheme
E: Racked up hundreds of dollars in lates fees for porn and kung-fu movies and had to be sued to get the cash

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Happy Birthday Pudge

I meant to mention that yesterday was Carlton Fisk's 58th birthday. Fisk was drafted by the Red Sox in 1967. He was the 4th choice overall. Who went ahead of Fisk?

1. Alec DiStaso P Cubs
2. Michael Flanagan P Yankees
3. Ken Singleton OF Mets
4. Carlton Fisk C Red Sox

Can you imagine if Fisk had been taken by the Yankees? Do you think the Cubs wish they had a do-over on this draft? Ken Singleton was good (3 All Star games) but he was no Rusty Staub and he certainly was no Pudge Fisk.
Jeff Reardon Arrested for Robbing a Jewelry Store

Have you seen this story yet? While racking my brain to come with an explanation for this behavior - I have formulated the top 5 reasons why Jeff Reardon would rob a jewelry store.

1. Crack is whack!
2. Not actually Jeff Reardon - an identity theft thing. Just someone using Reardon's name, beard and fingerprints but not actually Jeff Reardon.
3. The day after Christmas is the best day for bargains.
4. Mistaken identity. The cops arrested Jeff Reardon but it was actually Yakov Smirnoff. In Russia - jewelry store robs you!
5. It was a request from a Make-A-Wish cancer patient that his favorite baseball player commit a felony before he died.
Millwood Signed By Rangers

Free agent pitcher Kevin Millwood was signed by the Texas Rangers to a 4-year deal (with an fifth option year) worth $12 million a year. Kevin Millwood is 31 years old - at least Chan Ho Park was only 29 when the Rangers signed him to his albatross deal. Make no mistake - Kevin Millwood is Kevin Appier with less acne.

So the Rangers fail to pull the trigger on the trade for Josh Beckett (they did not want to give up one of their top pitching prospects). They fail to trade for Miguel Batista (reportedly for Brad Wilkerson). Now they overpay for a 31-year old free agent pitcher. I guess there are worse things - like re-signing John "Wayback" Wasdin (oh wait - the Rangers did that this offseason too).

Millwood has had three excellent seasons - 1999, 2002 and 2005 and the rest of his 9 years were just average (almost literally average). So if things hold to form - the Rangers will get one excellent year out of Millwood and three average years. Yeah - that's worth $12 million a year.

Would I be singing a different tune if Millwood signed with the Red Sox? Yes - absolutely. However, I would have been all over the Red Sox front office if they signed him for this sort of money and this number of years (I read the Sox offered 4-years at $9 million per). Did the Red Sox front office make that offer knowing it would topped? I think yes. As I mentioned yesterday - with Millwood off the market the Red Sox become the team to turn to for teams desperate for a starter. The Red Sox have David Wells and either Bronson Arroyo or Matt Clement to offer and the price for those guys just went up. The Red Sox probably knowingly allowed themselves to be used by Scott Boras to drive up Millwood's price.

I do have to say my hat is off to Scott Boras. If I was a baseball player - I'd definitely have him as my agent.
Patriots / Jets - Last MNF Game on ABC

Was this game ever in doubt? Was there an easier way to make money than taking the Patriots in this game (I got 7.5 yesterday morning but I understand it went up to 8.5 by game-time)? The 31-21 score doesn't tell the story of how lopsided this game was.

Mike Vrabel caught TWO TD passes and he now has three TD receptions for the season. That puts him in a tie for 28th place in TD receptions in the AFC with teammate Daniel Graham, Bryan Fletcher of Indy and Eric Moulds of Buffalo. If I told you before the season that Vrabel would have as many TD receptions as Moulds you would have thought either that I was crazy or that Moulds would be out all year with an injury.

Did anyone out there care that this was the last Monday Night Football game? I know I didn't care. ABC isn't exactly pulling the plug - they are just moving the game to corporate partner ESPN. Big deal.

When I look back at the MNF games I think of three things:

1. Joe Theisman breaking his leg. I was in college and I saw the replay about 10 times at my frat - I walked over to my girlfriend's dorm and they were still showing replays of the break when I got there.

2. Eric Dickerson doing sideline reporting and me thinking that he was illiterate. Seriously I would have bet big money that he wouldn't be able to struggle through "Hop on Pop".

3. The fact that MNF was banned in Foxboro for over a decade because of a game in 1976 against Denver resulted in so many fights and arrests the local town fathers said never again. It was so bad that the cops were handcuffing people to the fence to wait for the paddy wagon and the cops ran out of handcuffs.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Exhibit A on Why Journalists are Disdained Today

I can't even believe it would be a question but as this post over at Betsy's Page points out some journalists would not report instances of child pornography and children in danger out of fear it would compromise their journalistic objectivity and "integrity".

Can you believe that?

Sadly - I can. And that is why I hold most main stream reporters in contempt. If as a reporter you are afraid of doing what's right out of fear of losing your "objectivity" - you've already lost something much more important. You've lost your humanity.
The 2005 All-Douched Team

The Cold, Hard Football Facts have a list of players who were worse than snubbed by not getting named to the 2005 Pro-Bowl - these players were douched.

My favorite is this nugget:
Every year in the NFC there’s one quarterback – and we should create an annual award for this – who gets douched by Pro Bowl voters in favor of Michael Vick. Last year it was Brian Griese. This year it’s Mark Brunell.

Entering Week 16, Brunell led Vick in every major (and in most incredibly minor) passing categories, including yards (2,790 to 2,136), completion percentage (58.9 to 54.3), passer rating (87.0 to 71.8) and total (rushing and passing) touchdowns (20 to 19). Of course, Vick leads all QBs in rushing yards and overblown media hype for the second straight season.

In the past, Vick supporters defended their boy by saying “yeah, his passing numbers aren’t that great but all he does is win.” Well, the Falcons, who played in the NFC championship game last season, stand at just 8-7 today and need a victory and a miracle on Sunday to make the playoffs. Brunell, who was injured in Washington’s win over the N.Y. Giants this weekend, has led the Redskins to a 9-5 mark, a late-season surge and a likely playoff appearance – all following a 6-10 campaign in 2004.
Michael Vick is reaching Tony Mandrich levels of over-ratedness.
The Glaus Trade to Toronto

Very good analysis of the Troy Glaus trade to the Toronto Blue Jays by Bryan Smith. However, I think one overlooked reprecussions of the trade is how it effects the market for starters.

Miguel Batista was one of the few non-free agent starters available on the market. Him going to Arizona (assuming that Arizona does not intend to flip him) strengthens the position of the Red Sox front office in their attempts to improve the team by trading David Wells and either Bronson Arroyo or Matt Clement.

Of the free agent starters available - Kevin Millood is by far the most sought after. Rumor has it that the Red Sox are the front-runners for signing Millwood which could mean that BOTH Arroyo and Clement are on the market. Maybe the Red Sox are the front-runners for Millwood (a top three of Schilling, Beckett and Millwood would look good in the playoffs) and maybe the Red Sox are just frightening the other teams like the Rangers into acting quickly so as to not getting shut-out of adding a quality starter.

Two players who may be worth a gamble for teams desperate for pitching but with good pitching coaches are Jeff Weaver and Josh Fogg. Both are workhorses who should give you 200+ innings but both are pretty average as far as ERA. Someone like Leo Mazzone in Baltimore could turn either guy into the poor-man's Kevin Millwood
Battle of Trenton

Many Americans recognize the above picture of Washington crossing the Delaware but sadly few remember why he crossed in the first place.

On this date in 1776, the Americans under George Washington surprised English forces (mostly Hessian mercenaries) at Trenton, New Jersey. The victory was one of the most important American victories in all of the Revolutionary War.
The effect of the battle of Trenton was out of all proportion to the numbers involved and the casualties. The American effort across the colonies was galvanized and the psychological dominance achieved by the British in the preceding year overturned. Howe was stunned that a strong German contingent could be surprised in such a manner and put up so little resistance. WashingtonÂ’s constant problem was to maintain the enthusiasm of his army for the war, particularly with the system of one year recruitment and Trenton proved a much needed encouragement.
Schuerholz on Marte

Interesting tidbit on how the Braves thought about Andy Marte pre-Renteria trade.
Sorry - No XMas Lights This year

I found this amusing.

HT Cosmic Tribune

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Thinking About the Mets at Christmas?

First off let me say that I hope everyone is having a great Christmas! I know I am. The kids were all pleased with their gifts, I survived the in-laws coming over for breakfast, I bought Chinese food for dinner so my wife wouldn't have to cook, I've won close to $150 playing on-line poker in just half an hour and I plan to put that on a tease on the Bears and the under about an hour from now. Excellent day so far.

So why the heck am I thinking about the Mets on Christmas day?

Well the above image of Santa over at Jaap Stijl's blog caught my eye (plus excellent analysis of where the Mets stand by the way). Just a taste of Jaap for those of you who don't check his blog regularly:
Kenji Johjima might turn out to be a star for the Mariners but with the stumble-studded history the Mets have had with Japanese players, I can’t say anyone deserves a kicking for watching the Mariners sign him. I can’t even eat sushi anymore without the name Kaz Matsui crowding my head like a fat lady in number seven rush hour train.
What originally got me thinking about the Mets today though was this piece from the always entertaining Modern Drunkard.

Here's how the author described the trip home from Houston after beating the Astros in the 1986 NLCS:
Some players were already loaded when they boarded. Everyone else (even the straight-laced Gary Carter) got that way quickly. The Scum Bunch was in full frenzy. Players, coaches and various wives and mistresses, careened up and down the aisle toasting, whooping and dancing, while the airline’s crew attempted to serve the special post-win meal of steak and lobster. There was also a large cake with congratulations done in Mets’ blue and orange frosting. It was the first casualty. Moments after its appearance it was put to use as weaponry for what might be the most spectacular food fight in the history of professional sports. People, seats and walls were plastered in gooey frosting, and the party was only ramping up.

Darryl Strawberry, who was about as nasty a drunk as you’re likely to find, decided he wanted to lay down, convinced, in his stupor, that the seats turned into couches. They didn’t, but that didn’t stop Straw from breaking a good half-dozen in his attempt to make them lay flat. Rafael Santana peed down the back of Ed Hearn’s shirt. Wives and girlfriends, those who weren’t otherwise involved in topless shenanigans, yarked in seat pockets. The Scum Bunch started up a game of beer-can baseball. Dented cans sailed through the air, foam spraying like geysers. Guys strapped steaks to their feet and went skiing. There were antics that bordered on public fornication. Several players got into fistfights, then made up and drank to each others health. People did things in the restrooms that defied logic and the laws of physics.
Meet the Mets indeed!

Merry Christmas to all and please remember that the Yankees still suck!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Lima Time

Its just not the holidays without Mrs. Lima.
Morning Links

Here are some links to enjoy with your morning coffee.

- Santa declares war on Arbor Day:
The tape, which was released to all of the major news networks, shows a bearded Claus in front of a plain, snowy background, fixing the camera with his steely glare.

“To those of you who would replace ‘Merry Christmas,’ with ‘Happy Holidays,’ let me say this,” he said. “Arbor Day is going down!”
- Glaus to the Blue Jays for Hudson and Batista. This is a good trade for both teams. The Jays already have replacements for Hudson and Batista while Arizona already has a replacement for Glaus. This trade makes both teams beter (and pares payroll for the Diamondbacks).

- Pauly's buddy has come up with a novel use for Johnny Damon's book "Idiot"

- A Mariners fan wants to make the Matt Clement for Jeremy Reed deal. Caveat emptor.

- One of my favorites from the archives!
Manny Ramirez Trade

I'd like to keep Manny but if he's really hell bent on getting out of Dodge - I'd propose the following trade to get the most value for him.

Red Sox send Manny Ramirez, David Wells and Guillermo Mota to the Dodgers in exchange for JD Drew, Brad Penny and Hee-Seop Choi.

Manny has three-years and $57 million left on his contract. He's played for Grady Little before and by all accounts really likes Grady. Manny is the second best right-handed hitter in all of baseball and a sure Hall of Fame player. You can almost pencil in David Wells for 30 starts and 15 wins. Wells' contract is just for $4 million plus incentives (which should push it up to about $9 million). Mota is a very popular former Dodger and getting him back will be a PR feather in Dodger GM Ned Colletti's hat.

Yes JD Drew is owed $44 million over 4 years, is injury prone and as dumb as a box of rocks but when healthy he's an OPS over 1.000 waiting to happen. Brad Penny is the poster child for Paul DePodesta's reign as GM and trading him helps airbrush DePodesta out of Dodger history. Penny has potentially 4-years left on his contract (three years plus an option worth as much as $33 million). Some critics out in LA view Penny as an often injury pitcher who's barely over .500 (56-53 for his career). DePodesta saw Penny as a potential staff ace who is still only 27 (I'm in the DePodesta camp). Hee-Seop Choi is a spare part for the Dodgers - especially now that Nomar Garciaparra has been signed to play 1st base. For the Sox he'd make a very good left-handed platoon partner with Kevin Youkilis at 1st or maybe his arrival makes a Youkilis and Bronson Arroyo deal for Torii Hunter more likely.

Trust me when I say I've spent a lot of time thinking about trading Manny and this scenario is the best one I can come up with. It would be fair talent-wise and contract dollar-wise for both sides.

So let it be written - so let it be done.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Airing of the Grievances

Today is December 23rd - the traditional day of Festivus observance and in the spirit of the season I would like to air my grievances.

First off - Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan. What have baseball fans done to be subjcted to two such idiots season after season? I have never met a single baseball fan who likes either of these guys and yet the TV bigshots still foist them on us.

I have never liked the idea of chain restaurants having to come up with their own version of "Happy Birthday to You" just to avoid having to pay royalties. Just sing Happy Birthday to you and add a quarter to the cost of chocolate cake.

Speaking of quarters - what's with the Vermont quarter? A guy getting maple syrup from two trees? That's the best you could do Vermont?

Having to return your kid's number 18 Johnny Damon Red Sox shirt that you planned on giving for Christmas is not a valid reason for hating the Red Sox.

The ESPN Sunday Night Football broadcasting crew sucks. In real life Joe Theisman has no friends because everyone thinks he's a prick and McGuire would be the drunk at the end of the bar with an opinion on everything but who you can't understand because he slurrs his words too much. Who ever thought putting them together was a good idea?

Mentos! Fresh maker my ass!

Wade Boggs makes the Hall of Fame but Jim Rice does not? Rice was ten times the player and yet Boggs is the one to get a bronze likeness in Cooperstown? I have a very unhealthy hatred of Wade Boggs that I'm going to have to learn to deal with.

The West Wing since Aaron Sorkin left.

EDIT: SaveFarris is right - how could I forget about the abomination that is John Kruk? How does this moron get a national audience when a genius like Dennis Eckersley toils at NESN? Memo to John Kruk - being a slob was interesting for like five minutes - how about bringing something to the table for once?

EDIT2: I should have mentioned Duante Culpepper. He single handedly ruined one of my fantasy football teams. There were three weeks I would have won if I played a tackling dummy instead of Culpepper but those weeks I lost because of Culpepper's negative production.

Kal Jones makes an excellent point. What's a list of grievances without a mention of Dan Chinless Shaughnessy? If there is any justice in life then Chinless will suffer from painful rectal itch for the rest of his days.

EDIT3: Mike Farrell the former MASH "star" deserves mention simply because I didn't think it was possible for a MASH star to be more sanctimonious than Alan Alda but Farrell managed to pull that off when he defended Tookie Williams.

I will continue to add to my grievances during the course of the day. Feel free to add your grievances in the comments section.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Heh Heh

Haven't shared this one in a while:
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks "Are you good at doing tattoos of celebrities?"

The guy says, "Sure, I'm pretty good. What do you want done?"

The lady says, "I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh."

"No problem," says the artist. "Take your pant off and get up on the table."

After a couple of hours, he finishes, and she sits up and examines the tattoos.

"That doesn't look like either of them!" she complains.

"Sure it does," he says, "and I'll prove it to you." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

"Well, what do you think?" the woman asks the drunk, spreading her legs. "Do you know who these men are?"

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "Well, I'm not too sure who the other two are, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"
The Buckler

There's Christian Rock but no Christian Wrestling - I say we change that.

This time of year I always think of the following Bible verse:

"As for God, His way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those who trust in him" - Psalm 18:30

I got to thinking that "The Buckler" would be a great name for a Christian wrestler. I went out to to dinner once when this idea first hit me and there was a non-alcoholic beer on the menu called - you guessed it - Buckler. Vince McMahon has to make this happen.

Here's the idea - a Christian wrestler who only wrestles to spread the Gospel. He' gets sponsored by Heineken (they make Buckler beer) and the other wrestler's make fun of his religion in order to get him to lose his cool. Can't you picture the Undertaker getting the Buckler in a choke hold and saying, "Where's your Moses now?" (like Dathan from The Ten Commandments). Triple H could pile drive him and ask, "Your God, your God - why has he abandoned you?"

The Buckler in turn could come out with a signature surrender hold called "the crucifixion." The Buckler's entrance music could be some gospel standard or something by Creed. You hear "Onward Christian Soldiers" over the PA and McMahon says, "Is that the Buckler's music I hear?"

It would be controversial and that's what wrestling thrives on. This could be huge.

So let it be written - so let it be done.
Johnny Damon

The day after and I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that Damon has played 66 regular season games at Yankee Stadium. In 266 at bats in the Bronx he hit .252 with a .301 OBP and a .647 OPS. That's Tony Womack-like.

266 AB is a decent sample size.

Lyford looks at some bigger sample sizes and concludes that Damon will be middle of the pack good at best.
More Tedy Bruschi

I can't get enough of this stuff. This year instead of having my kids write letters to Santa - I had them write to Tedy Bruschi.
NFL Pro Bowl Team

The AFC and NFC selections have been made.

I think the biggest snub was Adam Vinatieri not being named kicker for the AFC. He's the best kicker in NFL history - how can he not be on the team? Len Pasquarelli list his snubs and he snubs Vinatieri.
Chris Young vs. Randy Johnson

I wanted to take a moment to comment on the recent trade of pitcher Chris Young, first baseman Adrian Gonzalez and outfielder Terrmel Sledge from the Rangers for starter Adam Eaton and middle reliever Akinori Otsuka from the Padres.

Most people who follow baseball know that the Rangers are desperate for pitching and that Gonzalez was their top minor league prospect. A number of people have dubbed Gonzalez "the next Mark Grace" (and I'm still trying to figure out if that's a good or bad thing). The Rangers got a decent reliever and Adam Eaton who at age 28 has a career record of 47 and 44 with a 4.34 ERA. I don't get it.

Eaton has never had an ERA under 4.00 despite pitching in pitcher friendly parks (career ERA+ of freakin' 92). Young is two years younger and has a career 4.59 ERA (which translates into an ERA+ of 106). Young is the better pitcher and he was much cheaper salary wise. Why would the Rangers make this trade?

The other thing that sticks out about Chris Young is the fact that he's 6'10". Now I'm not sayin he's the next Randy Johnson but come on - the fact that they are both 6'10 makes a comparison natural. Here's how Young's first big league season stacked up against the Big Unit's:

Young - 12-7 / 31 GS / 4.26 ERA / 164.7 IP / 137 SO / 45 BB
Johnson - 7-13 / 28 GS / 4.82 ERA /160.7 IP 130 SO / 96 BB

Johnson's first full season came at age 25 while Young was a year older this year. Very interesting how closely they match up. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

I did not know this! Miami Dolphins offensive coordinator Scott Linehan is brother-in law to James Caviezel who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. Caviezel is also a big Notre Dame fan - a real life touchdown Jesus... This is nothing short of an act of cowardice and not so subtle anti-Semitism by the Germans. If there is any justice - the Navy has a missle equipped drone circling Palestine or Lebanon or wherever this scumbag is with Mohammed Ali Hamadi's name on it. I would also suggest bringing our troops home from Germany. They are only in Germany for economic purposes at this point... Stallone knocked out while filming new Rocky film. The funny thing is the crew couldn't tell the difference between Stallone when he was acting and Stallone when he was unconscious... Looking at the list of MLB players who weren't tendered a contract and thus became free agents - the two names that jump out at me are Eric Byrnes and Josh Fogg. Byrnes would make a good fourth outfielder for the Red Sox. He could also start against lefty starters (career .862 OPS vs. lefties) instead of Trot Nixon (carer .632 OPS vs lefties). Fogg used to be the ace of the Pirates and is from Lynn, MA. He would make a very servicable 5th starter for the Sox or mid of the rotation starter for most any other team. list Al Nipper as the most similar pitcher through age 28. I'd take Al Nipper as a number 5...
Hot Baseball Wives

This may be what I really miss about Damon not re-signing with the Red Sox - his wife Michele.
Johnny Damon to Yankees

Johnny Damon will become a Yankee once he puts his John Hancock on a 4-year $52 million contract. The Yankees' offer was $12 million more than what the Red Sox were offering and you can't find fault with a player for taking the larger contract (especially when the gap between the two contracts was so wide). I think the Red Sox may have made a mistake in not at least going to 4-years and $44 million as a sign of good faith but maybe they really didn't want Damon back.

Think about how the Red Sox handled these negotiations. They set the bar for Damon at 4-years and $40-million back at the winter meetings and then just dared any team to top it knowing full well that the Yankees in the end were sure to top that number. Now the Red Sox get to say that they tried to keep Damon in Boston but I think the truth is they helped usher him out the door.

This is a very good move by the Yankees. Damon makes them much better both offensively and defensively. His contract doesn't hurt them at all since his contract just replaces the $12.3 million they paid to Bernie Williams last year to play centerfield. Again I have to come back to why did the Red Sox allow Damon to slip away? What move do they have up their sleeves?

I have to believe that the Bill James led stats brigade were very aware that at age 32 - Damon is sure to be on the down slope of his career. Damon is a warrior and always plays hurt but when he plays hurt is he really helping the team? This year Damon was all banged up in the second half of the season and posted just a .343 OBP and a .740 OPS. Is that really worth $13 million a year?

So what do the Red Sox do now? In light of Damon's signing elsewhere - let me revisit the options to replace Damon:

1. Jeremy Reed of the Mariners. Supposedly the Mariners have asked for Bronson Arroyo for Reed and I'd make that swap in a heartbeat. The Mariners can afford to lose Reed because they could move Ichiro to center and sign or trade for a big bat to play a corner outfield spot (does Carl Everett qualify as a big bat?). Reed is young (just 24) and already is a Gold Glove caliber defender. Reed's offense will come in time. The Mariners need a pitcher and the Red Sox are carrying 7 starters.

2. Brad Wilkerson of the Rangers. The Rangers are another team in need of a starter and maybe the Red Sox could snag Wilkerson in exchange for David Wells and a prospect or for Bronson Arroyo. Wilkerson had an off-year offensively last year but still managed a .351 OBP. His career OBP is .365 (Damon's career OBP is .353) and has averaged a HR once every 27.3 at bats (Damon has hit a HR once every 47.5 at bats for his career). Defensively - Wilkerson may not be able to run down as many balls as Damon but his arm is much better. I think adding Wilkerson would be about a wash compared to what Damon will accomplish the next few years and the Red Sox could wrap up Wilkerson for say 3-years at $20 million once they trade for him. I would be very happy if the Red Sox acquired Wilkerson (as long as it doesn't cost a Marte or Papelbon).

3. Torii Hunter of the Twins. Hunter is coming off a pretty bad Achilles injury but if healthy - he is the best defensive centerfielder in the AL. Hunter is 30 and has 2-years remaining on his contract ($10.75 million in 2006 and a $12 million option in 20087). Hunter kills the ball at Fenway Park (career .342 batting average in 23 games) but would probably cost the Red Sox Bronson Arroyo and Kevin Youkilis to acquire. That's a price I'd be willing to live with because we do have some depth at starter and losing Youkilis would just mean Mike Lowell playing first and Andy Marte playing third. Hunter is the best player of the bunch but I'd just as soon not lose Kevin Youkilis (especially if Marte needs Tommy John surgery as has been rumored).

4. Mark Kotsay of the A's. He's 30-years old just like Hunter but he's got 3-years left on his contract (for $22 million plus). Maybe the Red Sox send Billy Beane David Wells in exchange and allow Beane to flip Wells for whatever prospects he can squeeze out of the West Coast teams.

5. Preston Wilson - free agent. The only free agent worth looking at and then only for a stop gap one-year contract. A final option to toss in here would be Jason Michaels of the Phillies who would be a stop gap solution as a starter but maybe would make a good 4th outfielder who can handle all three outfield positions. He'd probably cost a medium to top prospect to acquire.

I expect the Red Sox to act quickly to replace Damon because they are very public relations conscious. I do not expect Coco Crisp to be part of the equation. The Red Sox and Indians just don't seem to match up well as trade partners in my opinion (but as anyone who as followed my NFL picks knows - I'm wrong just as often as right).

Maybe I'm just cynical but how much do you want to bet that one of Damon's first acts as a Yankee will be to have a public shave and a hair-cut sponsored by some big name company (better not be Gillette) with the proceeds going to Steinbrenner's favorite charity?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Tedy Bruschi's Best Moments

This is laugh out loud funny. The best football parody I've heard in years. I too wish Tedy Bruschi was my dad.

HT Cold Hard Football Facts
Roman Phifer back in the NFL

Veteran linebacker Roman Phifer has been signed by the NY Giants. This move surprised me. I though the 37-year old Phifer was all done with football. If he was to come back - I thought he would have come back to the Patriots early this season when Ted Johnson retired and Tedy Bruschi was out with his recovery from his stroke. I guess the Patriots felt they had enough depth without Phifer (and now linebackers are the team's defensive strength - so I guess they were right).

Phifer is a smart player who always kept mimself in shape. I wish him the best on the Giants.
Hemingway's Heirs are a Bunch of Twits

Some guy in North Carolina named his bar "Hemingway's" and the author's heirs are suing the guy to get him to change it. Hemingway's heirs are a bunch of twits. Have I mentioned that if I owned a bar - I always thought "Hemingway's" would be a great name? There goes those plans.

I guess the heirs need to protect Papa's royalty and licencing money in case they need to pay for more sex-change operations.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Ben vs Ben / Stiller vs Affleck

I always get Ben Affleck and Ben Stiller confused. I think others do as well. I have developed this theory that you could switch the two actors in any movie that they ever appeared in and the movie automatically becomes better. Switch Ben Affleck with Ben Stiller in “Good Will Hunting” and it becomes a comedy. Switch Ben Stiller with Ben Affleck in the movie “There’s Something About Mary” and the movie becomes even funnier as Affleck tries to do comedy. You could go right down the line in every movie either one of them has ever appeared in.
Good Golly Miss Molly!

Like a cheese cracker! The girl's name is Marisa Miller and I found this image via FARK.
Who Has Higher Standards - Bloggers or the NYT Sunday Business Section?

This isn't just some guy in pajamas asking this question. It is billionaire businessman (and blogger) Mark Cuban. Cuban really seem to want this question answered and my guess is he's leaning toward the bloggers being the more responsible party when it comes to the truth.

To me the answer isn't simple. The New York Times may be best suited to bringing a myriad of issues you may not otherwise have thought about or learned about but give me a blogger with first hand knowledge of a subject over a generalist journalist who has no first hand knowledge other than the reporting they are attempting to get done on deadline.
Bronson Arroyo for Jeremy Reed

I think Red Sox fans overestimate Bronson Arroyo's ability. This is in part because Arroyo was named after Charles Bronson and has brass balls (he was the guy who hit A-Rod and set off Varitek's "smell the glove" response). Red Sox fans love Arroyo like the previous generation of Sox fans loved Bernie Carbo. And like Carbo - Sox fans greatly over-value his talent.

Let me first say that I would be strongly in favor of a Red Sox trade that involved Arroyo to the Mariners for Jeremy Reed (or an Arroyo to the Rangers for Brad Wilkerson trade). The U.S.S. Mariner pretty much hits the nail on the head with this evaluation of Arroyo. Their conclusion may not be welcome news to Sox fans but it is correct:
If the M's are determined to have a veteran pitch-to-contact innings sponge at the back of the rotation, Arroyo isn't even superior to Jason Johnson. Johnson, a free agent, is basically a groundball version of Arroyo. Throws strikes, doesn't miss bats, but induces groundballs instead of flyballs. Oh, and he doesn't cost us Jeremy Reed.
Today's Must Read Post

Chad Finn at Touching All the Bases tells the story of running back Ricky Bell.
Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

I was out watching the Colts / Chargers game at a bar (I know you are all shocked at that revelation). Anyway, late in the 4th quarter the Colts were losing and failed to score and had to punt it away. The camera cut away to Peyton Manning and it looked like he was tearing up. Three guys in separate parts of the bar all said, "Look - he's crying!" all at the same time. My buddy Tim asked, "Can you ever imagine Tom Brady acting like that?" And my buddy Steve said, "That's so Dan Marino." I thought that last comment was just perfect... The Rams pulled QB and Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick in the 4th quarter yesterday. Fitzpatrick could be the QB of the future but he needs the experience. If the Rams were smart they would let him play and keep developing. This space is not going to accuse the Rams of being smart however... Bill Gates, his wife and rock star Bono have been named Time Magazine's Persons of the Year. To balance out Bono's sanctimonious factor (he even looks smug/angry on the Time cover) - this article by Paul Theroux (The Rock Star's Burden) should be must reading. I agree with Theroux 100%... You may have missed this (I know I did) but Erik Meyer, the QB from Eastern Washington won the 2005 Walter Payton Award... Tomorrow is arbitration day in baseball and after tomorrow I would expect the Hot Stove to really heat up till Christmas Day... You know I have to hand it to Peter King. A couple of weeks ago, he had moved the Patriots up to the 3rd slot in his fine 15 and many (including me) mocked him for that. Would anyone argue with that ranking today? Is there anyone who wants to play the Patriots in the playoffs?... I too am on the Jeremy Reed bandwagon...

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Heh Heh

A Sunday morning funny for you from the archives.
Bloggers Making Inroads into Traditional Media

Eric McErlain of Off Wing Opinion has been granted official press credentials to cover the Washington Capitols of the NHL. I think this is the wave of the future.

Off Wing Opinion probably gets viewed by as many hard core hockey fans as either of the DC major dailies. Ted Leonis, the owner of the Capitols, is no stranger to technology (he made his fortune at AOL) and he also knows Eric firsthand (having invited him to his owners box seats a few weeks back). I'm willing to bet that Eric impressed Leonis much more than many of the people who carry press credentials for traditional press outlets. Giving Eric credentials was both smart and logical on the part of the Capitols.

Eric is probably not the first blogger to get press credentials in sports but I can't recall anyone else off-hand (although I do remember Captain Ed from Captains Quarters getting press credentials for the Republican National Convention). I do know that there is nobody in the traditional media (TV and print) that I respect more in matters concerning hockey in general and the Washington Capitols in particular than Eric McErlain. The Capitols were wise to recognize that there are many out there who feel just as I do.

Like many others - I also feel the same way about other areas of interest. There is no reporter I trust more when it comes to what is actually happening in Iraq than blogger Michael Yon. In matters concerning the law - there are no opinions I value more than Glenn Reynolds or Eugene Volokh. Education issues? Give me the opinion of Betsy over at Betsy's Page (not to be confused with Betty Page).

Many in the main stream media still scoff at bloggers but I'm sure that the dinosaurs also scoffed at the furry mammals. We all know how that turned out.

Congratulations on the press credentials Eric.
Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

In today's NFL action I like the Steelers (now -4) and the Cowboys (+3)... Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Ron Mexico jersey and giant breasts... Reggie Bush to skip senior year - join NFL. In other news - water still wet. I mean who didn't expect this?... Folks in New England are feeling pretty good about the Patriots chances in the playoffs right about now. Talk abut peaking at the right time... The Red Sox are supposedly close to signing Rudy Seanez. I couldn't have been less impressed by this signing until I read this:
Since the 2004 All-Star break, Seanez has posted a 2.59 ERA with 121 strikeouts and just 33 walks in 93innings. He’s made 86 appearances during that span.
I'm also hoping that this signing paves the way for a David Wells and Guillermo Mota for Brad Penny of the Dodgers trade... Speaking of the Dodgers - Nomar is supposedly about to sign a one-year deal with the Dodgers - to play first base. I can see the merits of the deal but the fact is - the Dodger infield is now overcrowded. Bill Mueler was just signed to be the 3rd baseman. Rafael Furcal was signed to be the shortstop. Jeff Kent was signed last year to be the second baseman. Now Nomar is signed to play first. What will they do with Cesar Izturis when he gets healthy? If they move him to second - what do they do with Kent? What about Hee-Seop Choi who was part of the very unpopular Paul LoDuca trade? Although I would prefer to see David Wells traded for another starting pitcher - it can't be denied that the Red Sox do have needs at short and first those holes could be filled by Izturis and Choi. Even though he's hurt right now - Izturis could provide the Sox with a Gold Glove caliber shortstop at a very modest price ($7.5 million for the next two years) and Choi is left-handed while Kevin Youkilis is right handed paving the way for a platoon and greater flexibility at first...

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Scott Adams on the Perils of Being the #3 al-Qaeda Man

This was pretty amusing. However, this post in the comments section was the real keeper:
i wonder if bin laden sends out @all to the entire al quaeda network everytime we kill #3? kind of like a big company. "praise allah, i'd like to announce that ali has left the organization for personal reasons. effective immediately, ahmed will assume all the duties of the #3 al quaeda leader. please give him a warm welcome to his new position, and give him your full support as we struggle to incite a global war. also, our united way campaign is about to kick off, and as usual, our #3 leader will be in charge of it."

and of course, *this* is what makes the #3 al quaeda job the worst job on earth - he has to run the united way campaign. being killed by a drone-fired missile is something they hope for!
Heh Heh

I laughed out loud at this one.
Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous thoughts and observations.

I'm surprised that the normally PR conscious Red Sox front office is making such a big deal over who owns the ball Doug Mientkiewicz kept from the final out of Boston's 2004 World Series victory. The ball clearly belongs to Mientkiewicz. I wish the Cardinals (who provided the game balls) would step in and say that they own the ball but are giving it to Mientkiewicz... This is funny... One of my annual Christmas rituals is to re-read Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol. The book was actually first published on this date in 1843. For those who have not read the book - it is surprisingly short. If you don't want to read the book - just watch the Patrick Stewart version of A Christmas Carol because it is almost word for word from the book... In today's NFL action - I like all the favorites. Tom Brady will be playing and I'll be taking the Patriots (-5), the Broncos (-9) should roll over the Bills who look like they have quit for the season and I guess I'll also take the Giants (-3) even though I'm not as confident in this pick. My real pick of the day is to parlay the money lines on the Patriots and Broncos (risk $5 to in $4)...

Leo McGarry - RIP

John Spencer, who played Leo McGarry on the show The West Wing, died Friday of a heart-attack. He was just 58.

I would have guessed that Spencer was older than 58.

This season Spencer's character was poised to become Vice President. Leo McGarry was picked to be the running mate to Jimmy Smits character Matt Santos and it was clear to anyone who watches the show that Matt Santos will be winning the "election" on the show. I know it is tough to ask questions like this the day after Spencer died but I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering how the show handles his death. Who do they pick to replace McGarry on the ticket? Did they already have some shows filmed? Why did God take Spencer when Martin Sheen still breathes?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Theo Fleury Sighting

Theo Fleury is playing hockey in Northern Ireland of all places. He's playing for the Belfast Giants of the British Elite League.

The link is a fascinating look at what Fleury has been through and how he "surfaced" in Northern Ireland. The demons are still there, and Fleury makes some very valid points about the NHL substance abuse program in the article:
"Everywhere I go. . . .They call it Alcoholic's Anonymous. The next thing you know it's front-page news. How does that work?"

Fleury then pauses for a moment. "Look," he said, "I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm just telling you my reality."
The piece is also chock full of fascinating information on hockey, sports and religion in Northern Ireland:
Green is Catholic (Celtic). Blue is Protestant (Rangers). You don't wear the wrong jersey in the wrong neighbourhood.... It's no coincidence, then, that the Giants jerseys are teal, a calculated combination of blue and green.
The article states that "Fleury is Northern Ireland on skates" and the article is excellent and well worth your time but this latest Theo Fleury sighting also gives me the chance to revisit my theory that Theo Fleury is actually the Bizzaro Matthew Broderick.

I wrote down my reasons for believing Fleury was the Bizzaro Broderick almost three years to this very day:
This is more than just an’s Page 2 “Here’s LOOKing at You” similarity though. There is something much deeper at work here. I have come to believe that Fleury is the Bizzaro Broderick. (Although if Page 2 did want to run the pictures of the two separated at birth guys – I would suggest they use the picture of Broderick with a black eye from either The Cable Guy or from Election).

Fleury stands at 5’6’ and weighs 182 pounds. Broderick stands 5’8” and weighs 182 pounds. Theo on skates and Broderick with lifts (to look taller than Sarah Jessica Parker) are the same height. Both try to act – Broderick on stage and screen and Fleury on the ice any time he is touched and happens to be near a linesman. Coincidences? I think not.

As a youngster Broderick tried out for the role of Alex Keaton while Fleury tried out for the role of handsome Canadian hockey player. Neither Broderick nor Fleury could measure up to Michael J. Fox however.

You can easily picture Broderick as Ferris Bueller. You can just as easily picture Fleury skipping most of high school.

In 1989 – Broderick starred in the movie Glory while Fleury enjoyed the glory of making the NHL.

In 1994 – Broderick became a cartoon character of sorts – playing the voice of Simba in the Lion King. Fleury was also becoming a cartoon character of sorts playing the undersized, feisty, toothless, hard drinking Canadian hockey player with small man’s disease.

1n 1997 – Broderick starred in the movie Addicted to Love while Fleury was just playing addicted.

Of course probably the greatest evidence of Fleury being the anti-Broderick (or Bizzaro Broderick if you will) is the fact that Broderick was tapped for the lead in the play The Producers on Broadway and it was a rousing success while Fleury was signed to play a producer (goal producer that is) on Broadway [for the Rangers] and was a tremendous flop.
Hat tip to the Sports Frog for the link to the story

I imagine that to some this report would make no sense. A bar losing its liquor license for allowing patrons to play Yahtzee? That just sounds strange. However, if you are familiar with one of the older bar betting pools then it makes sense.

In the "old" days many bars would have a Yahtzee "kitty". You would get one roll for $1 (some places did two rolls). If you rolled Yahtzee (five dice each with the same number) you would win all the money in the "kitty". Some bars gave you a free drink for four dice with the same number (but this was back was a drink was a beer or a shot of whiskey). If you didn't hit Yahtzee - your $1 went into the kitty. It was always small change stuff with kitty's about $30 being the norm.

Today bars can't have this sort of "gambling" not because its wrong but because it eats into the state sponsored scratch card and Keno business. I can't stand hypocrisy like this. A private businessman basically gets shut down for two weeks? That's just not right.
Johnny Damon

If I were the Red Sox I would go to a 4-year, $44 million offer to Johnny Damon and no more. Damon says he wants to stay in Boston and at that price the Red Sox would be making more than a fair offer to keep him.

If Damon decides to sign elsewhere (most likely the Dodgers or Yankees) - the Sox will need to replace him in centerfield. Here are my top choices to replace Johnny Damon if Damon leaves Boston as a free agent.

1. Jeremy Reed of the Mariners. Supposedly the Red Sox have offered Matt Clement for Reed and I'd make that swap in a heartbeat. The Mariners can afford to lose Reed because they could move Ichiro to center and sign or trade for a big bat to play a corner outfield spot. Reed is young (just 24) and already is a Gold Glove caliber defender. Reed's offense will come in time. The Mariners need a pitcher and the Red Sox are carrying 7 starters.

2. Brad Wilkerson of the Rangers. The Rangers are another team in need of a starter and maybe the Red Sox could snag Wilkerson in exchange for David Wells and a prospect. The Rangers acquired Wilkerson in the Soriano trade but the fact that they don't even list Wilkerson on their depth chart could be an indication they plan to flip him to another team (although the depth chart thing is probably just laziness on the part of the Rangers IT staff since they still have Kenny Rogers listed at the ace).

3. Torii Hunter of the Twins. Hunter is coming off a pretty bad Achilles injury but if healthy - he is the best defensive centerfielder in the AL. Hunter is 30 and has 2-years remaining on his contract ($10.75 million in 2006 and a $12 million option in 20087). Hunter kills the ball at Fenway Park (career .342 batting average in 23 games) but would probably cost the Red Sox Bronson Arroyo and Kevin Youkilis to acquire. That's a price I'd be willing to live with because we do have some depth at starter and losing Youkilis would just mean Mike Lowell playing first and Andy Marte playing third. Hunter is the best player of the bunch but I'd just as soon not lose Kevin Youkilis (especially if Marte needs Tommy John surgery as has been rumored).

4. Mark Kotsay of the A's. He's 30-years old just like Hunter but he's got 3-years left on his contract (for $22 million plus). Maybe the Red Sox send Billy Beane David Wells in exchange and allow Beane to flip Wells for whatever prospects he can squeeze out of the West Coast teams.

5. Preston Wilson - free agent. The only free agent worth looking at and then only for a stop gap one-year contract. A final option to toss in here would be Jason Michaels of the Phillies who would be a stop gap solution as a starter but maybe would make a good 4th outfielder who can handle all three outfield positions. He'd probably cost a medium to top prospect to acquire.

As an aside - I keep finding myself typing Johnny Damon's name as Johnny Damn and if Damon signs with another team instead of the Red Sox - then Johnny "B" Damn(ed) will be his new permanent name in this space as far as I'm concerned.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Happy Birthday to Mo Vaughn

Today is Mo Vaughn's 37th brthday. Amazingly Mo is still drawing a MLB paycheck (the Mets will pay him $3.75 million this year). Here's hoping that Mo Vaughn spends his money wisely and that there is no truth to the rumor that a large portion of is salary is sent to him as singles.

Have I mentioned that Mo Vaughn is listed as the 3rd most similar batter on to Carlos Delgado? Mets fans will be relieved that paragons of health, Albert Belle and Jason Giambi are listed as the 1 and 2 most similar.
Vazquez Traded to White Sox

Javier Vazquez was traded by the Arizona Diamondbacks to the Chicago White Sox in exchange for Orlando "el Duque" Hernandez, reliever Luis Vizcaino and minor league outfielder Chris Young.

Vazquez had requested a trade because he wanted to play somewhere that was easier to travel to for his family out of Puerto Rico. While a flight from Miami to Chicago is half as long as a flight from Miami to Phoenix - Chicago is not in the Eastern Time Zone where Vazquez asked to play.

I'm of two minds regarding Vazquez. He's got a big contract ($24 million over the next two years) and his ERA has been pretty poor these past two years (4.50 in 2004 and 4.40 in 2005). When the Red Sox played the Yankees in the 2004 playoffs - there was no pitcher a Red Sox fan would rather see on the mound than Vazquez (he had a 9.95 ERA for the series).

However, there is a reason Vazquez got that big contract. In 2003 Vazquez went 13-12 with a 3.24 ERA and 241 strikeouts for Montreal. There has been some talk that Vazquez's issues these past two seasons are mechanics related and something that can be fixed. If that is true then the White Sox just got themselves an ace.

I have to wonder if the Red Sox offered David Wells for Vazquez. Wells has a one year deal for similar money as el Duque however Wells has some bad history with Arizona (he renegged on an agreement to pitch there).

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bill Mueller to Sign With Dodgers

According to this report - Bill Mueller will be signing a two-year deal with the Dodgers. In a way this is a surprise but for someone who has watched Bill Mueller these past few years - its also not surprising.

It is somewhat of a surprise because Pittsburgh was reported to have offered a three-year deal. It is highly unusual for a professional athlete to give up a bigger, longer contract for a shorter one. It is also surprising because Mueller is from Missouri and playing in Pittsburgh would put him closer to family.

It is not surprising because Mueller is a man with priorities. Obviously he feels comfortable with Grady Little who he played for in Boston and Ned Colletti who was in management in San Fran back when Mueller was with the Giants. Mueller also strikes you as the kind of guy who knows he can only waterski behind so many yachts (if you know what I mean).

I do have to take exception to this paragraph from the linked report:
Because of his age, Boston did not want to make a long-term commitment to Mueller, electing to part ways with the professional hitter and clubhouse presence.
Boston basically parted ways because they acquired Mike Lowell in the Josh Beckett trade and their hand was forced. It would not have been too surprising to have seen Mueller back at third next year with Kevin Youkilis at first base otherwise.

Red Sox fans will never forget that Mueller easily could have been MVP of the 2004 World series. He hit .429 for the Series with an OPS of 1.127. His hit off Mariano Rivera in Game 4 of the ALCS may have been the biggest hit in Red Sox history.

May the road rise to meet you Bill Mueller.
Happy Festivus!

Festivus (a festivus for the rest of us) is traditionally observed on December 23rd but the great thing about Festivus is that it can be observed any day during the holiday season. Different people celebrate Festivus in different ways. What was the genesis of Festivus? Well here' what has to say:
This man's name is Frank Costanza. During a routine outing to secure a Christmas gift for his son George, events transpired which would forever change the landscape of the holiday season.

In his own words: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had -- but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way! [The doll] was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. 'A Festivus for the rest of us!'"
The three major elelments of Festivus include:

The Festivus Pole

As a symbol of the anti-holiday commercialization, devotees of Festivus display a large pole in a prominent location in their home or dwelling. The pole is aluminum, chosen due to its very high strength-to-weight ratio, and is never decorated (this stems from founder Frank Costanza's belief that "tinsel is distracting"). After the celebration is over, it is not uncommon for a pole to be placed in an out-of-the-way place, such as a crawl space.
Not sure if rebar qualifies but in the spirit of Festivus - anything is possible!

The Airing of Grievances

"Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!" -Frank Costanza

During the Festivus celebration, friends and family come together to recognize the holiday with an annual dinner. While no specific foods are relevant to the holiday, the dinner contains the most vocal of the Festivus traditions: the Airing of Grievances.

During the Airing of Grievances, a Festivus devotee informs all those in attendance how they disappointed him the year before. It is also a time to report any ongoing problem or irritation that one is having with anyone else celebrating at the dinner. Everyone in attendance is given the chance to speak before the last tradition of Festivus begins...
The Feats of Strength

"Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over!" -Frank Costanza

In accordance with Festivus tradition, the celebration may not end until two people participate in a contest known as the Feats of Strength. During this event, the head of the household (or the host of the Festivus dinner) challenges one of the guests to a test of physical strength. The challenger may choose anyone as an opponent and a challenge may not be refused unless, of course, the challenged has a previous engagement.

You can find more info on Festivus here.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Milton Bradley Traded to A's

The Dodgers have traded troubled outfielder Milton Bradley (and jetsam infielder Antonio Perez) to the Oakland A's for highly regarded outfield prospect Andre Ethier. Here are my thoughts on the trade:

- I'm slightly amused that the trade was announced on Fergie Jenkins birthday (happy 62nd birthday Fergie!). Jenkins was another player with talent who was often traded. However, Jenkins' transgressions (falling asleep in the bullpen in Fenway, getting caught with $500 in drugs at the border, being Canadian) are benign compared to Bradley's (three times this year police have been summoned to his home for domestic disturbance issues, etc). Ferguson Jenkins was also much, much more talented than Bradley.

- I have become convinced that Milton Bradley's talent has been vastly over-rated. lists Gabe Kapler as the most similar player through age 27. Gabe Kapler! Of course I could be wrong and this could be a steal for Billy Beane and the A's but my gut tells me no. Red Sox fans can tell you about Kapler's production in his year 27 and 28 seasons (it should be noted that Kapler however was a positive clubhouse force - Bradley not so much).

- Between his anger management issues and his injuries - Bradley has managed to make a player like JD Drew look durable. Bradley has had 5 full seasons in MLB but has had a season of over 102 games played just once. Bradley is coming off knee surgery and its not like he was a speedster before (witness his 65% stolen base percentage).

- When you look at the Dodgers' depth chart - the team looks to be in shambles. The starting pitching looks OK but the outfield and third base are a mess.
Congradulations to Neate Sager

By day he's a mild mannered sports editor for the Simcoe Reformer in Canada. By night he's a fellow blogger at Now he's also recieved some well deserved recognition:
SIMCOE, Ontario (Dec 13, 2005) – Neate Sager was one of only two writers from Canadian periodicals recognized in the “Notable Sports Writing of 2004” in the recently released The Best American Sports Writing 2005 anthology.

Sager, the sports editor of the Simcoe Reformer was included for his Dec. 3, 2004 column “Jennings a genius? Ask him a sports question.”

Receiving even an honourable mention in The Best American Sports Writing is noteworthy, especially for a writer from a small Canadian daily.

The only other writer from a Canadian publication who received mention this year was Kevin Mitchell of the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix for his Apr. 24, 2004 piece “The Final Strikeout.”

Only two Canadian submissions were included as “Notable Sports Writing” in the Best American Sports Writing 2004. Those pieces appeared in the Toronto Star and National Post.

Sager, who was born in Napanee, Ont., has been in the daily newspaper business for three years. He worked at the Portage Daily Graphic in Portage la Prairie, Man., from 2002-2004. He became sports editor of The Simcoe Reformer in August 2004.

The Best American series has existed since 1915 and is regarded as one of the country’s top annual showcases for short fiction and non-fiction. Since 1991, it has included an annual sports writing volume edited by author and historian Glenn Stout (Red Sox Century, Yankees Century). It is open to writers from periodicals throughout the U.S. and Canada.

As series editor, Stout reads pieces from hundreds of periodicals and selects between 50 and 100 for consideration by a guest editor – someone widely regarded as a leading writer in her or his field. He or she in turn selects 20 or so of the very best pieces for that year’s volume.

Mike Lupica of the New York Daily News was guest editor for The Best American Sports Writing 2005. Previous guest editors have included Richard Ben Cramer, Richard Ford, the late Dick Schaap and Sports Illustrated’s Rick Reilly.
Kirsten Dunst and Handicapped Parking

Sorry Kirsten - being blond does not make you handicapped. I'd rather walk a mile than take a handicap spot even for a minute.

Let me also take this opportunity to say I never saw the attraction to Dunst. She has a bit of a horse face if you ask me and there are hundreds of girls much better looking. Who did she sleep with to become a star?
Porno Karaoke

Last Wednesday night I was flying home from Los Angeles and I had a very interesting person sit next to me on the plane (well not next to me since I had the window seat and he had the aisle but you know what I mean). His name was Chas West and for lack of a better term he was a rock star - literally.

Chas is probably best known as the lead singer of the band Bonham. This is the band that was formed by Jason Bonham, the son of Led Zeppelin drummer and rock legend John Bonham. Like many rock legends - John Bonham died way too young.

When you sit next to a rock star you talk about rock music. We spoke about every subject that I could think of. I asked him how he got the gig with Bonham - he said it was simple, "I was the only one who could keep up with Jason when he was drinking." I asked if Led Zeppelin was ever getting back together with Jason Bonham taking his dad's spot in the band. Chas told me that they came close but this was back when Bonham was just starting out and Jason was seriously partying. Robert Plant was afraid that Jason was going down the same path to an early death as his dad and Plant wanted nothing to do with contributing to another tragedy. Now that Jason Bonham is clean and sober - the two concerns are tarnishing the bands legacy as the greatest rock band in history and Robert Plant's concern about hitting some of those high notes in some of the songs. Chas wouldn't rule out the band getting back together but if it happened he said it would be done the "English way" - with very little forewarning or publicity.

I mentioned that one of my favorite bands was The Cult and that if any band should get back together it should be The Cult. Chas said I was in luck because Ian Asbury is a friend of his and that they are in fact getting back together. He told me that the manager of The Doors of the 21st Century was a genius and was getting the band $150,00 a night and the same manager was going to handle the reformed Cult.

We talked family. I showed him pictures of my kids. Chas said he has two kids and that his son was recently in the new Goo Goo Dolls video (which I still haven't seen).

Chas and I drank the whole flight and he asked me about my trip to LA and where I went at night. I told him I didn't know the town well enough. He told me the best club to go to was the Burbank Bar and Grill (damn I was staying in Burbank!) and that on Tuesday nights Porno Karaoke at Sardo's was a must. This isn't the Porno Karaoke fad that is hot in Germany - Chas explained that this is actual porno stars singing karaoke. He told me that Sardo's has karaoke on Tuesdays and one night some porno stars came in (still dressed for "work") and started singing karaoke. They had such a good time they asked the owner if they could make it a regular thing. The owner said sure as long as he could advertise it. So now Tuesdays is Porno Karaoke Night at Sardo's. Since today is Tuesday - I thought I'd pass the tip to any of my readers who may be out in LA.

Chas West has been playing with the Hollywood Allstarz and has a new band that is called Three Legged Dog that should be coming out with a CD soon. When it comes out - go out and buy it. I know I will.

Thanks for a great flight Chas.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Heh Heh

I don't want this to turn into "Slam Ned Colletti Central" but this was too funny not to mention. Jon Heyman of Newsday had this nugget in today's column:
One competing GM said of the Dodgers: "They paid $13 million [a year] for a .275 hitter [Rafael Furcal], so don't bet against them doing something stupid."
Baseball Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous baseball thoughts and observations.

Yesterday I wrote that Dodger GM Ned Colletti might make a panic move if he lost out on getting Bill Mueller. Now I read this. Trying to trade for David Bell has to be some sort of cry for help. Why would anyone trade for David Bell? Why doesn't Colletti just match Pittsburgh's offer of 3-years and $12 million to Mueller? Failing that - do a 2-year $10 million deal with a bunch of incentives for Nomar Garciaparra. He's a local guy. He's a draw at the box-office. He's 1,000% better than David Bell. Heck - Tony Graffanino would be a much better option than David Bell and he'd cost maybe $3.5 million for 2-years (plus a draft pick)... Speaking of Graffanino - people forget that he's in the mix to be the starting shortstop for the Red Sox next year. It is not inconceivable that Graffanino would accept arbitration from the Red Sox. Graffanino only made $1.1 million last year and even if he doubled it - that's still cheap for the Sox who could platoon Graffanino and Alex Cora at short (letting Dustin Pedroia get another season at AAA Pawtucket at either short or 2nd)... Edgar Renteria has been getting some heat for his comments that the Fenway infield was not that great (and therefore to blame for his poor fielding last year). It should be recalled that the field was brand new because of a new drainage system installed last year. So comparisons to Cabrera and Nomar are not fair (and I can't believe that I'm becoming the stick up for Renteria guy)...
NFL Flotsam and Jetsam

Miscellaneous NFL thoughts and observations.

My buddies Tim and Brian were telling me Saturday how the offshore Internet bookmakers took a beating last Sunday because all the favorites covered. Well I get the feeling that those same bookmakers made all that money back yesterday. The Bengals, Colts, Chargers and Broncos probably broke a bunch of bank accounts yesterday. Bookies always say they don't pay out money to winners - they just lend it to them... I think the Colts will go undefeated in the regular season but I don't think they will win the Super Bowl... Peter King has New England listed 3rd in his Fine 15. The 8-5 Patriots are ahead of the 11-2 Seahawks and the 10-3 Bengals. I love the Patriots but I wouldn't in good conscience list them above Seattle. You also have to recall that King was the guy who picked the Vikings to be in the Super Bowl and for the longest time couldn't find it in his heart to drop the Eagles out of the top 15... You know - Peyton Manning won his MVPs because he carried a Colts team that had no defense. Meanwhile - the knock on Tom Brady as far as the MVP was that the Patriots were a complete team that didn't rely on one man. Now the case is reversed but do you see people saying Brady should be the MVP? I think this is unjust and even though he was just named SI's Sportsman of the Year - Tom Brady is still underappreciated in many ways... Maybe the strangest stat I've seen all year is the fact that Tom Brady out-rushed the entire Bills team yesterday. Brady had 17 yards on 4 carries while the bills had 14 yards on 12 carries.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

It's a Wonderful Life's Cure for Bad Eyesight

It's a Wonderful Life was on last night giving me the opportunity to nitpick on this one little thing that has always bothered/amused me.

When Jimmy Stewart is alive and him and Donna Reed are busy making kids - her eyesight is perfect. No eyeglasses for Donna Reed. But when Jimmy never existed - all of a sudden the librarian / spinister Reed needs eyeglasses. What happened?

Now you can argue that she needs glasses because as a librarian she reads more books but I'm not buying that. I think Frank Capra was trying to send out a pro-sex message. Sex is so good it makes your eyesight better! Jimmy Stewart's cure for nearsightedness (that would be a good name for a band - well maybe not).
The Sinatra Group

In honor of what would have been Frank's 90th birthday tommorow - here is one of the funnier skits from SNL's past - The Sinatra Group. The idea was a riff on the McLaughlin Group - here's a taste of the roundtable discussion:
Frank Sinatra: Of course he is, you brownnoses. Look at you, you're just swimming in my wake. Issue number three: [ points to Sinead ] This bald chick - what's with her head? Let's start with the chick. What gives, cue ball? I'm looking at you, I'm thinking: fourteen in the side pocket!

Sinead O'Connor: I can't believe you're talking about my hair with all the bloody starvation and suffering in the world right now.

Frank Sinatra: Come on! Swing, baby, you're platinum! Billy Idol.

Billy Idol: I think she's really quite attractive.

Frank Sinatra: Check out his papers. Luther Campbell!

Billy Idol: You watch it, mate!

Frank Sinatra: Easy, baby! And what's with the sneering crap? [ Billy sneers ] Don't do that to the people, they want to like you! That's what killed Dennis Day - contempt for the audience. Luther Campbell! What about the chick's head?

Luther Campbell: Be honest, I don't care about the head. I like the butt.

Frank Sinatra: I hear you, baby. Forget the head. Put a bag over it and do your business! Am I right, Steve and Eydie?